Blogging surely seems to have done a lot of good to my professional writing.
This appeared today. But this is the unedited version!
Disclaimer: All my friends especially, I might have done some of this with you guys, but that does not mean I’m a part of the cult! 😛
It was bound to happen in a world governed by the wallet.
Many are getting absorbed into the cult, whose believers are bound by Omerta. They talk about it, and they die. A little exaggeration. But, in these days of designer tag spirituality and mystical detoxification, this radically different cult is governed by one rule… Read the following in a hushed tone typical of a Shyamalan movie:
They are seen around but not noticed.
Take them for lunch and they’re the ones whose ears suddenly begin to scratch once the bill arrives, thus ensuring that their hands are well away from their wallets at the moment of reckoning.
When they’re not inviting themselves to breakfast/lunch/dinner at a friend’s house, you can spot them hanging off the banisters at a shopping mall, making the most of free air-conditioning. Welcome to the world of the petrosexual.
Who seem petty, but aren’t really
Who keep cheap pets like frogs and spiders.
It isn’t just about cost-cutting. You could still boil potatoes in Evian and eat cheeses from ‘a darling little town in Switzerland,’ if you join this Path of Living programme.
Use the internet, join communities like Orkut, Friendster or Hi-5 and spread your network. Make friends from neighbouring states, with people who are likely to visit you or from places you are likely to visit. A hundred of these will make sure you get to pile on to them when you visit them or get them to treat you when they are in town.
Let’s say they’re staying at this star hotel, just land up in the morning and eat from their fruit baskets. Or if they don’t want you to visit them, ask them to bring you toiletries and stationary from their rooms — and there, you have a week’s supply of toothpaste, shampoo, soaps, a pen and a notepad.
When you meet them, remember to get them gifts so that they feel bad about letting you pay for the food. But wait, who’s asking you to buy the gifts?
If it’s a guy you are meeting, tell him you’ve already eaten. When he orders you could always eat from his plate. Good conversation is the key, get him excited so that he talks and you eat.
If you are a girl meeting a guy, it’s easier. Just talk to him about chivalry. Most men like to pay for women. If you are a girl meeting a girl, you can still use the cauliflower strategy and scribble a silly poem on the paper napkin. Sample:
call a flower,
but Oh my…
And yes, if it’s the dog’s birthday, spend Rs.35 and get an artificial bone. It’s guaranteed to make the dog’s owner feel choked and touched enough to feed you/take you out, buy you a nice gift on your birthday. Stay away from the dog though.
It’s important to know the best deals in town. The Cookie-Man guys give away free cookies, Baskin Robbins lets you taste 31 flavours (which means 31 spoonfuls) of ice-cream. Must you pay, order the cheapest (like the ten-rupee Lime Mint Cooler at Fruit shop on Greams Road) or just Coke/Lime Soda at any coffee shop of a three/four star hotel for Rs.20-30 for spending a whole night there. When you are going dutch for dinner, eat at home, say ‘I’m dieting’ and then take advantage of the freebies (papads, munchies, appetisers ordered by your friends).
But remember… Omerta.