Well, I really didn’t wanna post anything till I found something funny to write about cuz people are beginning to wonder if I’m really okay… most posts this year have been er… heavy!
But guess what, here’s another from the introspective mood!
This post is triggered off by a comment that appeared a few minutes ago in a post I made a coupla months back but that was just the catalyst. The last few months I’ve been playing agony uncle to people stuck in hopeless love situations. Where girl/boy likes boy/girl but boy/girl has said NO to it.
In one case, it was the boy saying the NO sweetly yet cutting off from the girl lest he gives her any hope. And now girl likes him even more cuz of the way he said No! Hmph! She blames him for not putting effort in getting to know her. Arghhh! But why should he when he’s not interested?? Girl calls hers a “utopian romance” and wants to wait for him. *Face turns red and wants to explode*
Anyway, back to our post… *Deep breath*
In another case, boy just wants to wait for the girl to fall for him, without telling her. But guess what, he knows she doesn’t see him that way. So he’s just being there for her, for the last two years. And she’s just treated him like shit. “My love is unconditional,” says my friend, inspired by Dil Chahta Hai Akshaye Khanna. “I know it’s not gonna work. I know she does not care. I’m sorry if I wud hurt when she comes to know this but yes, it is true that I love her and I’m not sorry for that.”
In the other case, boy said NO about three years ago but girl says she can’t get over and meets boy2 who does a lil clinical therapy on the girl (rebound theory: give someone who is ‘getting over’ a lot of attention and they’ll fall for you temporarily and get over previous obsession/love/infatuation/relationship). Girl falls for boy2 as planned and they break up predictably too (cuz of inter-continental distance, family attachments and other reasonable reasons), and girl uses boy1 as shoulder in the process of getting over. So far good. Now imagine… Girl actually goes back and tells boy1 that she still loves him.
*Blood pressure shoots up again*
Boy1 is so freaked out. He told her NO a long while ago, and then last year and now again. In as many words. “No. Not now. Never Ever.” And has said that 2005 times. (A little exaggeration of course, but you get the picture!)
Girl sends mail after mail saying how much she cried and how no one can blame her for falling in love and that she will live with that and that she can’t get to move on.
*Clenches fist and then tries to meditate*
* * *
I HATE it when people dunno when they should stop trying.
I know that’s an extreme reaction cuz hate is a strong word. But yes, hate!
Which is why I thought 7/G Rainbow Colony was such a wrong movie, no matter how good was.
I’m so tired of telling people to MOVE ON.
Getting over is a difficult process I know. Been there. Most of us have.
But moving on is a different thing altogether.
Without making an effort to MOVE ON, you’re never ever gonna GET OVER.
Every failed relationship is like this milestone that tells you that your destination is a little away. You just can’t sit on you ass there and cry like it’s some frikkin tombstone. Nobody died. But yeah, those sentimental, sit and cry for a bit but don’t make that your full-time job. It’s not gonna take you anywhere. Or is it?
When I say MOVE ON, I’m talking about this effort to leave the milestone and keep walking. You don’t know who you’re gonna meet at the next crossroad. (Oh, I love that last scene in ‘Castaway’). Even that person may not be the destination, and he/she might end up being just another milestone but that’s a calculative risk we all need to take cheerfully, instead of doing it with cynicism and carrying emotional luggage from the past into this journey. In fact, no person is ever gonna be the destination. Every person you meet is just a companion… either for a while, or for a longer while.
(Whoa! What timing — Song playing in the background:
Yeh Raasta Hai Keh Raha Ab Mujhse
Milne ko Koi yaahan ab tujhe Se…
Yun Hi Chala Chal Rahi…
Jeevan Gaadi Hai Samay Paiyya)
So yeah, it’s destination death and life’s one long journey, best travelled on the HIGH-way!
I’m not saying forget the milestone. Milestones are important, they make the journey memorable and the souvenirs of that town you left make the journey worth it. You can always come back to visit that milestone and laugh over it with your companion.
But that’s all later. First, you need to get your ass off the milestone.
Walk. Take a lift. Do what it takes but don’t run away and exhaust yourself.
So that was happy premise # 1:
MOVE ON, you will eventually GET OVER.
Happy premise # 2:
Learn to respect the other person’s decision. But not with hate or bitterness. Be realistic. Pleading and begging for a relationship was never gonna make a good foundation for a healthy relationship which needs equality and balance of give and take. Besides, as much as you may think it is easy, saying NO to someone who loves you is the sickest job. Even if you enjoy hearing it, the person rejecting you does not feel too good about saying it. So don’t make it difficult for the person. He/She’s always gonna put it in a nice way and sensitively. So don’t dig or dissect the reasons or take them too seriously. A ‘No’ means ‘No.’ ‘Never Ever’ means ‘Never Ever.’ And those who are doing this unpleasant job of saying No, please say it in that many words. Don’t say ‘Not Now.’ Say ‘Never Ever.’
‘Not Now’ only makes hopeless romantics hold on.
Happy Premise # 3:
Attention someone gives you after he/she says No is purely out of compassion and friendship. It’s a pure relationship. Do NOT violate that purity or encroach upon it with your romantic interest in that person. A shoulder given for a friend and a shoulder given for a lover are two different things. Don’t use the shoulder and say: “Can you blame me? You are so nice.” That sucks.
The compassion, love and attention provided to you, after the person has said ‘No. Never Ever’ is like the Mom’s compassion, love and attention to her child while breastfeeding the kid. It’s best when the kid understand that it’s a kid that needs milk. Not when the child thinks it is for its pleasure. Yeah, that’s how sick I think it is for you to take advantage of a friend’s intimacy and ask for love.
Respect the sanctity of friendship. It’s something that is always taken for granted. And that’s the third and final premise.
With that, I’ve got it all out. Phew!
*Now, I feel good*
agree and disagree.what about motives? are motives in any relationship, justified? i wonder….
I think relationships before marriage are over rated.Because after marriage, we in our country, tend to accept the partner no matter what.None of these theories on love apply.So its better to accept all these as a part of growing up, where we get to learn,what it is to love someone, what it is to feel for someone, the meaning of hurt, how deeply u can love and understand a person and all that.So happy learning.
*smirks* *amused* *an evil thot thickens*
I think movies play a major part in confusing people and creating false hopes.
People get carried away. Someone has to shake them to reality.
There are far more important things in life. These people seldom think about their parents and friends and act very selfish. How painful it will be for the guy/girl’s parents to see their kids in this trauma. Sad many dont even tell what it is to their parents
Studies get affected, or work productivity gets affected. Instead people can focus their energy on working more or on achieving things in life. Atleast something to get focussed.
I know it is easy to say, but an effort needs to be made to come out of this trauma. Just by sitting and cribbing none of the problems are going to be solved 🙂
premise #4: Over-analysing relationships (own or others’) ain’t all that. it always sounds good to put labels and theories on what people do, and discuss hypotheticals (i HATE that), when all that we should do is ride along.
not that we shouldn’t be aware of what the relationship is about, but to slot them into thesis and all… konjam textbook. So much more fun to be taken by surprise all the time– at the crossroad. Not to let fate decide, of course, but not be too aiyo-this-is-happening-because-this-usually-happens.
ah. the life. how simple and fun it actually is.
Truer words ne’er spoken. Err, atleast abt the moving on bit. I belive, practise and profess it. No, no, not abt love failures. Jeez! Not now, when Im in this stage of life, ready to clean ’em false teeth (hi hi) If you keep on walking, it hurts so much lesser. Anything. Everything. Everytime. So true.Dont look back.
I don’t quite get wat you are tryin to say breathless! why are we in a relationship? now, that sounds more like a business agreement to me than a relationship! im not sure if there need to be motives at all!
to u rite a great extent anonymous1. love is over-rated. u can begin to love anyone and everyone if u set ur mind to it and when u dont have a choice. but there is a certain beauty in a relationship created by the two people who have to live each other, all by themselves. first of all, it sets the premise of equality. they are solely responsible for wat they do with each other.
true, that arranged marriages have been far more successful in our country but I think it has to do with a chauvinistic set up where the guy is always the man of the house and the boss. it seems to work in our country too. I respect that structure. its just that its not my scene at all. Equality in a relationship and mutual choice and faith in each other is wat I seek. Lets say I don’t believe in letting others play that much of a role in my life.
*buys ms.sphinx orange ice candy and turns off the devil mode while she’s engrossed in it* You are such a simple nice lil girl. all I need is orange ice candy to make you realise that! 😀
You hit the nail on the head.
Its movies! Seriously.
padam paathu naaraya paeru kaettupoyitaanga pa!
I think I made a recent post on how the movies that we watch define wat we do, if not always, at least most of the time.
u r so rite. the wat-ifs and buts can really fuck up even a perfectly healthy relationship…if we’re talking about dysfunctional ones, then there is no end to any of the situations.
there are no theories, no rules. just walk the walk, drive if you like, but keep moving, go places.
To me, life’s that expedition where u get to explore time, space and people! there’s no limit, no boundaries. don’t stop anywhere permanently. explore.
im not talkin about running away so that it hurts less. Im talking about walking…slowly or as it suits you as a fully conscious decision to move on so that you don’t regret running away from it later. It’s a fine line between how much to try and do for love and when to stop doing it. I’m talking about recognising and drawing that line and walking away from it, fully satisfied and content and conscious that it is worth leaving behind.
*Reminder to myself* When u see the word love in any post by suderman, dont look back, Run TOL Run.
Run Forrest Run! 😀
This is not the first time I am reading what you write. But this is the first time I am responding to your words. Good work friend. I should admit that I stayed in your blog longer than I do with most other! “Keep up the good work” is a term I would rather use on someone who doesn’t do it often. I bet you know how to do it! Cheers!
I had visited ur blog few times, this is the first time I am giving my comments. A wonderful WISE blog. Especially the comment abt 7G movie, they don’t realize where this movie is going to take our teens. I came across few incidents that the message of sharing their intimacy ( giving herself to the loved one ) lead to few abortions. They don’t have any other thought apart from SEX to say that they r too close :(. Everybody should take the emotional component out of their mind before taking any decisions like this. As u said, please understand WHEN TO STOP. Never Never Never give up is a good attitude but not in this context. so MOVE ON .
tombstone analogy. nice.
got a tangential doubt.
How’s your “Things to Do-2005” is going on?.
On Schedule or Ahead? 🙂
Brilliant Suderman..Nice article.. I think you should start writting some agony Uncle column in some Tabloid.. they will love it..
(the guy who mailed you about the airline ticket)
Nice post. Aptly put. Many people don’t understand no means just that no. They hang on in the hope it works out for years. It’s even worse the ones who never confess. They spend years stalking or moping around. Yeah so it’s one sided, smile store it as sweet memories and move on. Why continue holding a candle and building false hopes.
But I do have to disagree on 7G. If you watched the actress properly. She showed signs of being interested as well right from the beginning but contemplating if it was a viable relationship. This is actually what most women do, contemplate if the relationship will work from all degrees, men don’t do that.
You are simply the agony uncle… With every post, you seem to give me the impression that you have been there and done that…
Your post draws my memory to something very releavant to today’s state of affairs in Tamil Nadu. I had a friend who was pursuing a girl a few years back. They were frends but the relationship never got any further although our man was toughing it out… One of the days, during our usual sessions at Besant Nagar beach, he likened his efforts to the waves trying again and again to reach the shore…. I never believed that the waves could reach the shore…
Finally, the waves reached the shore and reached it with some force and I hope they stop trying to do that again…
Ah, the agony of unrequited love!
im not sure if its when…its more like…how to.
we al know when 2 stop i supps just dono how 2 let go. And even when we DO know how to.we dont WANT to.
gosh …now i need 2 re read ur post on da checkbox theory…jus 2 feel betta or worse…(2 myself…GET A LIFE NOW!!!!)
deep….reallllly realllllllly deep..couldnt get it…but deeeeeeeep nonetheless…
Well why didnt I read this enlighting stuff a few years back. Sudu u have surely learnt it the hard way;)
Inniya Ponggal Nahl Vazhtukal
Have a nice day 🙂
come back 😦 not fair :(((
i was referrin to sumthin you’d told me earlier….cos actually, it did sound like a biz agreement:-/ but never mind, i dont wanna get into that all over again.
You award winning bunch of comedians ! For your info, you are the lauging stock of the entire World. 40% of the world’s poverty stricken are in India. 1 in every 2.5 people in poverty in the world is an Indian, and the number is rising drastically and you spend all of your time producing innumerable trash films & beauty paegents ???
A full 1/3 of the population lives in slums, the largest city & commercial center Bombay (home to the mediocre and self-aggrandized Boollywood) is composed of 60% slums and has the unique distinction of being the only city on the planet with more slums than regular housing. There are over 350 million people in absoulte poverty – more than the entire population of the USA. Over 32 international AID and charity organizations are trying to alleviate the conditions, but the people are content to wallow in poverty and get mesmerized by the flashy lifestyles of the beauty queens and film-stars & seem to forget their own abject misery & squalor ! Get of your backs, the world can’t keep on giving you aid and charity for ever. Chuck out the beauty queens, film stars & producers and do some real work for a change before the entire lot descends into starvation and poverty.
This is more of a question than a comment.
Suderman,i like your philosophy and hence i would like to clarify some points.
boy breaks up with girl for whatever reasons. shoulders are offered mutually to cry upon. one of them is unable to get over the other. u know …unable to move on in life.
in that case would increasing your diatance with your ex-partner help? i mean cutting away from that person.
aha one more
need to know when to stop. u said one stops when one one is told to stop.
suppose the other party is postponing issues. never telling anything concrete. cat on the wall. ready to jump either said..
ur comments plz
Thanks yaar. I just got back after a long trip to Cuddalore, so cudnt respond earlier.
Keep coming back and thanks again for the encouragement! 🙂
Thanks. But its easier said than done for most people in love. about the physical aspect of it, I think sex is okie if its with adequate protection. but u’re rite to the extent that when impulse and passion takes over, everything else and all safety concerns are temporarily suspended.
but id call the milestone analogy rather! 🙂
Here’s the progress report.
# Meet with my wonderful team and come up with a game plan to shoot with least amount of money before night shift ends. DONE.
# Do my bit towards the relief work. Hope to spend time in Nagapattinam and Cuddalore for at least four days after this night shift ends. Heard there’s a shortage of volunteers. DONE. BLOG ON THAT COMING UP SOON.
# Also spend as much quality time as possible with Ms.Sphinx cuz I just love spending time with her. Yes, I don’t know where it’s going but the journey is always more exciting than the destination, right? 🙂 DONE AND STILL DOING. HOPE TO KEEP DOING TOO! 😉
# Finish my pending stories for Metro Plus. Damn!
NOT DONE. THAT IS NEXT IS THE PRIORITY LIST.
# Get something nice for my parents. Their anniversary’s happening on 26th this month.
YET TO DO. BUT THERE’S ANOTHER WEEK FOR THIS.
Thanks dude. I actually did write agony uncle columns! for only two weeks but. he he!
well, im afraid i saw no signs of interest from the girl’s end in 7G rainbow colony.
and i totally disagree to ur point that men do not see viability of a relationship. lets just say you cant generalise this. People are different.
and hey happy pongal to u too! 🙂
You’ll be glad to hear that I finally did it. Stayed at one of the AID stock offices in Killai, Cuddalore district for four days for relief work. it was a construction site. awesome out of the world experience. will blog about it soon.
And about ur comment on waves. that’s a brilliant analogy man… and considering december 26, turbulence in those waves could spell D – I – S – A – S – T – E – R.
Awwww teddy! Main Hoon Na! 😉
Life is like that sometimes. We just don’t get it. 🙂
i can see u disappeared and i know why and where u are! *wink wink* 🙂
award winning bunch of comedians huh?
thank u thank u ungrateful son of a bitch!
we entertain you and u still complain!! *shakes head*
yeah, completely cut off NOW. even if it is vague, it is simply not worth investing on something which is built on foundation of doubt.
I got friends exactly in the same situation as you are in, which is why I say, cut off completely. it’s tuff but its the best for you. You need someone who gives you more attention than that.
oh that’s a good progress.
it’s amazing that u have time to really think up and put a post like this,even with ur goals in schedule.:)
nu post!! pliss pa!
Yes Suderman, new post veno!
From a pa-of-three! 🙂
Brilliant post dude! Brilliant post. Especially the stuff in the middle of the article. It so easily applies to the failiures in life and not just to the failed relationships.
Should have read this earlier. Its never too late though 🙂
suderman now an other PROMOTION!! U turned GODFATHER, not for me but for a friend of mine who had broken wits of his relationship!!
He was so craved by the film 7g and turned nuts aftermath his relationship broke and imitated tht gawky hero…was sorry n horible seeing him in tht position.
And u know wat i did….showed this post of urs tht aptly matched his case n now he has reinvented himself to “MOVE ON”….and “U” moved it mate…thanks