Well, I really didn’t wanna post anything till I found something funny to write about cuz people are beginning to wonder if I’m really okay… most posts this year have been er… heavy!
But guess what, here’s another from the introspective mood!
This post is triggered off by a comment that appeared a few minutes ago in a post I made a coupla months back but that was just the catalyst. The last few months I’ve been playing agony uncle to people stuck in hopeless love situations. Where girl/boy likes boy/girl but boy/girl has said NO to it.
In one case, it was the boy saying the NO sweetly yet cutting off from the girl lest he gives her any hope. And now girl likes him even more cuz of the way he said No! Hmph! She blames him for not putting effort in getting to know her. Arghhh! But why should he when he’s not interested?? Girl calls hers a “utopian romance” and wants to wait for him. *Face turns red and wants to explode*
Anyway, back to our post… *Deep breath*
In another case, boy just wants to wait for the girl to fall for him, without telling her. But guess what, he knows she doesn’t see him that way. So he’s just being there for her, for the last two years. And she’s just treated him like shit. “My love is unconditional,” says my friend, inspired by Dil Chahta Hai Akshaye Khanna. “I know it’s not gonna work. I know she does not care. I’m sorry if I wud hurt when she comes to know this but yes, it is true that I love her and I’m not sorry for that.”
In the other case, boy said NO about three years ago but girl says she can’t get over and meets boy2 who does a lil clinical therapy on the girl (rebound theory: give someone who is ‘getting over’ a lot of attention and they’ll fall for you temporarily and get over previous obsession/love/infatuation/relationship). Girl falls for boy2 as planned and they break up predictably too (cuz of inter-continental distance, family attachments and other reasonable reasons), and girl uses boy1 as shoulder in the process of getting over. So far good. Now imagine… Girl actually goes back and tells boy1 that she still loves him.
*Blood pressure shoots up again*
Boy1 is so freaked out. He told her NO a long while ago, and then last year and now again. In as many words. “No. Not now. Never Ever.” And has said that 2005 times. (A little exaggeration of course, but you get the picture!)
Girl sends mail after mail saying how much she cried and how no one can blame her for falling in love and that she will live with that and that she can’t get to move on.
*Clenches fist and then tries to meditate*
* * *
I HATE it when people dunno when they should stop trying.
I know that’s an extreme reaction cuz hate is a strong word. But yes, hate!
Which is why I thought 7/G Rainbow Colony was such a wrong movie, no matter how good was.
I’m so tired of telling people to MOVE ON.
Getting over is a difficult process I know. Been there. Most of us have.
But moving on is a different thing altogether.
Without making an effort to MOVE ON, you’re never ever gonna GET OVER.
Every failed relationship is like this milestone that tells you that your destination is a little away. You just can’t sit on you ass there and cry like it’s some frikkin tombstone. Nobody died. But yeah, those sentimental, sit and cry for a bit but don’t make that your full-time job. It’s not gonna take you anywhere. Or is it?
When I say MOVE ON, I’m talking about this effort to leave the milestone and keep walking. You don’t know who you’re gonna meet at the next crossroad. (Oh, I love that last scene in ‘Castaway’). Even that person may not be the destination, and he/she might end up being just another milestone but that’s a calculative risk we all need to take cheerfully, instead of doing it with cynicism and carrying emotional luggage from the past into this journey. In fact, no person is ever gonna be the destination. Every person you meet is just a companion… either for a while, or for a longer while.
(Whoa! What timing — Song playing in the background:
Yeh Raasta Hai Keh Raha Ab Mujhse
Milne ko Koi yaahan ab tujhe Se…
Yun Hi Chala Chal Rahi…
Jeevan Gaadi Hai Samay Paiyya)
So yeah, it’s destination death and life’s one long journey, best travelled on the HIGH-way!
I’m not saying forget the milestone. Milestones are important, they make the journey memorable and the souvenirs of that town you left make the journey worth it. You can always come back to visit that milestone and laugh over it with your companion.
But that’s all later. First, you need to get your ass off the milestone.
Walk. Take a lift. Do what it takes but don’t run away and exhaust yourself.
So that was happy premise # 1:
MOVE ON, you will eventually GET OVER.
Happy premise # 2:
Learn to respect the other person’s decision. But not with hate or bitterness. Be realistic. Pleading and begging for a relationship was never gonna make a good foundation for a healthy relationship which needs equality and balance of give and take. Besides, as much as you may think it is easy, saying NO to someone who loves you is the sickest job. Even if you enjoy hearing it, the person rejecting you does not feel too good about saying it. So don’t make it difficult for the person. He/She’s always gonna put it in a nice way and sensitively. So don’t dig or dissect the reasons or take them too seriously. A ‘No’ means ‘No.’ ‘Never Ever’ means ‘Never Ever.’ And those who are doing this unpleasant job of saying No, please say it in that many words. Don’t say ‘Not Now.’ Say ‘Never Ever.’
‘Not Now’ only makes hopeless romantics hold on.
Happy Premise # 3:
Attention someone gives you after he/she says No is purely out of compassion and friendship. It’s a pure relationship. Do NOT violate that purity or encroach upon it with your romantic interest in that person. A shoulder given for a friend and a shoulder given for a lover are two different things. Don’t use the shoulder and say: “Can you blame me? You are so nice.” That sucks.
The compassion, love and attention provided to you, after the person has said ‘No. Never Ever’ is like the Mom’s compassion, love and attention to her child while breastfeeding the kid. It’s best when the kid understand that it’s a kid that needs milk. Not when the child thinks it is for its pleasure. Yeah, that’s how sick I think it is for you to take advantage of a friend’s intimacy and ask for love.
Respect the sanctity of friendship. It’s something that is always taken for granted. And that’s the third and final premise.
With that, I’ve got it all out. Phew!
*Now, I feel good*