For someone touted to be the next showman after Raj Kapoor, Subhash Guy seems to be trying way too hard if ‘Kisna’ is any show of effort, cinema and frustration.
Reproduced below is the complete screenplay along with character sketches, as found from Guy’s scribbling pad.
Kisna (title role):
Kisna MUST play the flute cuz he’s called Kisna, write a song somewhere in the film cuz he’s the warrior poet and also do a sword fight cuz a sword looks really cool on the posters and publicity material. Remember Braveheart? Remember Asoka? Exactly!
Reason for casting: Random Bollywood belief No.786: Vivek Oberoi, with unkempt beard/stubble, can act. Not that it is required.
Guy’s Note: Give him hair longer than he had in Company, it will cover half his face and his acting skills, of course.
Suderman’s take: Vivek Oberoi’s best role after ‘Company’ (hang on and read the whole sentence) was in a village called Devanapattinam where he built huts for the Tsunami affected. In Kisna, he’s just doing the lead role, which even Keanu Reeves could have done. Period.
A white heroine, who would show her bare back at least thrice in the movie and do a Mandakini in Ram Teri Ganga Maili, Censor Board obliging. But no, our Censors didn’t. So does she at least feature in a Kiss? Na!
Reason for casting: Firang actress won’t have a problem going topless. Plus, International feel and flavour.
Guy’s Note: Things to do before I die: Tender firang actress who’s not even half my age. Tick.
Suderman’s take: Awaiting Director’s cut DVD to see if it was really worth casting her.
Reason for casting: Half-Tarzan-Half-Yoga-Full-Circus-hanging-from-a-tree routine.
Guy’s Note: Things to do before I die: Indian Lady Tarzan with flexible body. Tick.
Suderman’s take: Subhash, Man! You are one lucky Guy!
After 30 minutes of a build-up and showing the little triangle involving little Kisna and little Katherine and the making of Little Lady Tarzan. Some great camerawork and one awesome Udit Narayan number later, make Amrish Puri bump off Katherine’s father and send Kisna to her rescue. Insert: Sharvani doing Half-Tarzan-Half-Yoga-Full-Circus-hanging-from-a-tree routine.
The rest of the movie, make Kisna and Katherine on the run, as they escape Amrish Puri (who interestingly died, probably after watching rushes of this movie) evil Prince Harming and communal riots during Partition, thanks to Umrao Jaan wannabe (a fantastic Sush) and good Indian Samaritans Om Puri, Hrishita Bhat and Vivek Mushran. Insert: Sharvani doing Half-Tarzan-Half-Yoga-Full-Circus-hanging-from-a-tree routine.
After three struggling hours, Kisna fulfils his karm (protecting Katherine and getting up, close and personal with the babe after she takes a dip in the Ganga, Mandakini style) and dharm (getting married to Sharvani in between her doing Half-Tarzan-Half-Yoga-Full-Circus-hanging-from-a-tree routine). And the movie comes back to Aaj Tak and the old hag who wishes she (were) Rose from Titanic. (Thank you again Guy, for not repeating the Mandakini act with the firang!)
*Suderman flips through Guy’s scribbling pad curiously and finds it finally: Things to do before I die: Old Firang Hag*
Pass. One viewing itself felt like suicide. A Re-view? Go find another idiot.
Thanks man…you saved me $10.00 in tickets there. i was abt to brave blizzards to see how ghai had choreographed “hum hain is pal yahan”…
hey do u know abt the sulekha penguin short story contest..the theme is indian humor and the deadline is feb 28…make sure u get ur entry in and good luck..
also enjoying ur take on saarang in the hindu…any snaps from there..wonder if the hospi desk still looks the same
ha ha ha i wish Subhash Ghai reads this
this HAS to be worth seeing. good i bought tickets for today.
u’ve creamed him suds! ive been grinning ear to ear reading this! and believe me with a virus-sore-throat and a sick family, i didnt have much to smile about! trust arun, send somehting to sulekha…ure a real winner when it comes to humour!
ill check out the contest tho Im not sure if Im gonna have the time to think of something thats a short story and funny at the same time! Hmmm…maybe I shd just put one of my earliest love stories from school there! lets see! 🙂
I respect ghai for who he was…but I hate this Guy he’s tryin to become… the businessman Guy… he’s trying to find a market through his films these days rather than creating a world of convincing characters and a compelling screenplay!
He seems to have lost it since Yaadien! Pardes was his last semi decent film, even Taal was so-so.
Looking back I think maybe he is over-rated.
Even if thats wat u look for in a movie, you are likely to be let down. its not even half as entertaining as Sunny Paaji’s ‘The Hero’.
thanks, u and arun did make my day when I din’t have much to cheer about!
i do read your blog……i am just lazy to write comments 🙂
I hope u dont quit your day job for this…..clearly writing is not your cup of tea….hey hang on aren’t u sudhish Kamath of the HINDU.man has N.RAM lost his marbles.
thanks ba raghu! 🙂
and to the anonymous bitch that according to statcounter spent 43 minutes 38 seconds reading my blog:
Time for u to get urself a dayjob! Get a life. Like, now!
Next time I see ur IP address listed in my visitors, u’re gonna see my bootmark on ur ass and ur comment spending a night in my trashbox!
dooderdood!!! AWESOME this one was..doing a total 32 teeth routine throughout 😀 and look!!! i read it and i am posting a comment also 😀 *feeling all blushy at accomplished feat*…lagey raho Aladdin, lagey raho 😀
– Genious Genie
can we go for kisna?i wanna see 😀
and i do wish u’d get urself a tag board:-|so much easier to express sentiments there.*sigh*
i can do this! 😀
delete ur shit.
and u cant!
who said its a free country!
It’s my page. And I rule!
– sachin tendulkar!
Machi, why the derogatory reference to Keanu! You have hurt us Matrix fans. 😦
chillax…..just pulling your leg.didn’t think you’ll take that ram jibe seriously.keep blogging!
Hahaha..Totally enjoyed ur take on Kissna..Completely agree with you that it was a ludicrous movie.. the only saving grace as in all Guy movies was the music and the camera (sheer scope wise it was massive and pleasing to the eye..)
Keep penning Suderman 🙂