Today, I was sent to review Sins.
I’m still wondering if my paper is really serious about wanting me to review it. 😀
The thing is I don’t remember my paper carrying a review of a porn movie ever before. And I can’t wait to write one. Especially, because it’s been well over half a decade that I’ve seen a mainstream porn film. The last one I saw was in Manipal after I unwittingly got into the video parlour for a Padayappa show half an hour before the scheduled start of the film. And I got to see one of those fascinating Emanuelle movies featuring firang pornstars making out on the Indian ‘Palace on Wheels’ trains! The frequent shots of coal being added to the fire of the train engine served as a metaphor for the heat and intensity of action happening between … er… a few feet away!
My favourite however is … heard of this guy called Jag Mundra?
He used to make some kickass stuff. Plenty of action, babes, guns, a murder mystery, drama, comedy, and general masala to spice up the ‘matter’ scenes. So in a way, it was value for money because you could actually pretend that you like Jag Mundra films because he’s like the Jerry Bruckheimer of porn. His films aren’t full blown porn, but yes, there’s plenty of ‘matter’ sneaked in brilliantly, into a masala film.
He made this film called Monsoon, with Helen Brodie, remember? That was probably for the first time I saw a mainstream Indian face do ‘matter’ for the camera!
Cut to today. Sins.
Hmmmm… but wait, Sins is not like a triple-X blue film but it certainly can be classified as porn (yes, ‘matter’ padam) for the following reasons:
a. Presenting the complete screenplay:
Priest meets girl, does ‘matter’ with her, feels bad, but does ‘matter’ again, and again, girl gets admission to college, does ‘matter’ again, passes out of college, does ‘matter’ again, visits him in church, does ‘matter’ there too … goes to his house, does matter again and again and again and when people start talking about it, Priest gets her married on the condition that she will not ‘matter’ with her dummy husband, and then continues to do ‘matter’ with her again, girl feels bad, but she still does ‘matter’ with him yet again, priest becomes obsessed, does ‘matter’ with her like an animal, girl wants to escape and falls in love with her husband, they do ‘matter’ secretly, they escape, do ‘matter’ again, priest kills ‘matter’ girl’s mother, gets the girl killed and goes to jail.
Every alternate scene in the movie was a ‘matter’ scene! The excuses the screenplay uses to get into the ‘matter’ scenes is what makes the film hilarious in parts.
b. The Matterial Girl:
Seema Rehmani could probably teach Mallika Sherawat a thing or two, as she shows her what bold really is. If Mallika watched Sins, she might just feel that Rehmani has given her more than a tit for tat! ahem ahem!
The director ensures Rehmani gets as much exposure as possible.
I remember an old joke I heard in school about film classifications.
In a U-film, the hero gets the girl.
In an A-film, the villain gets the girl.
In an X-rated film… well… Yeverybody gets the girl!
Sins belongs to the third category!
c. The ‘Performances’:
What in the name of Christ was that guy doing as a priest? A terrible terrible TV actor not only miscast in the role of a forty-something, hams at the drop of her clothes! In fact, the only laughs in the film are provided when this lead guy who’s name I won’t bother to find out, tries to show us his histrionic side. If it was a stage show, I would’ve yelled: Dude, it’s just a porn film, you don’t need to do all this! Don’t even try, cuz you suck. And since that’s the only thing you seem good at, just keep at it, minus the dialogues!
The ‘matter’ scenes were wildly choreographed alright but even that, in the absence of an excuse of a storyline made for painfully boring viewing.
In fact, Seema surely seems to have great potential. Too bad, she’s just been treated like a pornstar all through the film! Half the time we see her in the film, the director makes one or the other guy take her top off, how would one even find out if she can act with all these distractions?
d. The ‘Mallu’ touch
This film didn’t need Kerala at all. Maybe Pande was inspired by all those Shakeela Chechi flicks. Aint Superstar Shakeela Chechi called Rosemary in like half her films?
Not one location appears like Kerala, the architecture is very Goan, so are the names and the lifestyles portrayed. The accents too swing from wannabe Mallu to wannabe Ammerikkan to Paan-in-the-mouth Sethji accent!
Anyway, none of the actors were Mallu, nor is the director. And here, they are setting a story in Quilon, Kerala, a world they clearly don’t know anything about. They show a Kannada movie poster in the railway station instead of a Mallu one, and make Rosemary wait in the Alathur bus-stop in Quilon. Alathur is near Palakkad, Mr. Pande! Oh I’m sorry, why am I even bothering to point out geographical bloopers in a porn film!!
e. The choice of names for the lead characters.
I can bet my sweet ass that director Vinod Pande’s real intention was to make a tribute to porn cinema. Rosemary, what Seema is called in the film, is the biggest cliche for a name. Half the porn film heroines in the history of Indian porn are either called Rosemary Lele as in RozMeri Lele (Translated to: Take mine everyday) or ReshMa Choudhry (Translated to… Well, never mind!).
Father William has been conveniently abbreviated to Willy, as Rosemary later refers to him!He just stopped short of making Seema scream: “Willy RozMeri leta hai!” Ha ha!
Ah well, maybe Vinod Pande would have liked to spell his own name a little differently.
But who would, especially, after watching his Sins, ever say: Vinod PornDe!?
(Translated: Vinod, give us Porn!)
MADRAS INK. 