29 | July | 2005 | MADRAS INK.

He says:
A question to all women out there.
Would you like to be seen kissing someone toad ugly?
Yes? My number is… .
Kidding!
But the point is that just like men are hesitant to date… well… aesthetically challenged women, women too stay away from the uglies.
So why just blame the men for being Shallow Hals?
Who would you date if you had to choose between Abhishek Bachchan and Yoda?
Abhishek Bachchan obviously, because he’s a great guy irrespective of how good he looks.
So if you can find men who are good-looking, smart and nice at heart, isn’t it inaccurate to assume that all good-looking women are dumb?
Most good-looking women are smart because they know how to get their men.
But first, what kind of women do men find “hawt”? What do men consider “hawt”?
The fair? They like Naomi Campbell, Jada Pinkett Smith, Halle Berry.
The well toned? They love Shakeela and Tamil heroines of the 1990s.
The beautiful? Why do they like Mallika Sherawat then? (wink wink)
The tall? Rani Mukherjee is a five-footer.
The skimpily clad? Then, why do they love Nandita Das?
The point is: to be “hawt,” a woman need not necessarily have any of the qualities listed above.
Any intelligent woman today knows that being smart or well dressed is paramount simply because she applies the same rules to a guy.
Smartness is defined by the way a person carries himself.
If it means men need to shave, it means women also need to er… file their nails.
If it means men need to smell good, it means women need to smell better.
If it means men need to look “hawt,” it means women too must.
If it means men date smart women, it just means smart women are dating smart men.

She says:
And, in their spare time, men like reading books on intelligent female space scientists. Oh, and watching action movies that comprise women mathematicians breaking impossible codes.
Give us a break.
Everyone knows that men, (ok, most men) have a weakness for beautiful women. And, given half a chance, would date only stunners. Even they admit that. “Um. Yeah. Of course. Anyone who says they’re more interested in what and how a woman thinks is probably just trying that line out for a date. And he’s probably angling for a pretty woman, anyway,” says one of the many men I poll for this column. (Sorry. Betrayed by your own gender.) (Evil laugh)
Because, while women go for men with brains, and a sense of humour, men go for women who are… um… hawt.
And what is hawt? Usually, a lot of lipstick, a gym-toned body (and please, let’s leave Shakeela out of this!) and a tendency to lisp. Especially during, I-love-you-cho-muchee conversations in the middle of the night. (Shudder.)
I’m not saying all beautiful women are dumb. But, a woman who thinks a new shade of hair colour can bring world peace is far more likely to find a date than a man who has more hair gel than grey matter between his ears.
Because, if you’re a man, you don’t have to spend hours at the gym working on those pecs in the hope of impressing the `gals.’ You far more likely to have hoards of them putting your number on speed dial if you can make them laugh, and treat them with respect.
What else explains the beautiful-woman-dating-very-ordinary-looking-guy syndrome that you see at every shopping mall, and every party?
And would we kiss a toad? Of course. Ever wondered what the significance of the story of the Frog Prince is? Well, when the princess kissed the frog, it turned into a prince in her eyes. And that’s because he was a prince deep inside, and how he looked just didn’t matter.
(This is a fortnightly column on the battle of the sexes.)

(This is the beginning of a new column on the battle of the sexes. You can read it every alternate Thursday in the Chennai Edition of Metro Plus in the Gender page. I write He Says and my collegauge Shonali Muthalaly writes She Says)

He says:
Why would I open the door for a girl?
Maybe I would if one of the following were true:
a. Women genetically lack specialised skills for accomplishing complex tasks like opening the door.
b. She is further to the door than I am, you know, walking behind me like Mary’s little lamb.
c. She thinks that the world is a Matrix and that “There is no door.”
d. If I have the keys (and we are going to my place for some activity I’m really looking forward to, like playing chess).
e. If she’s knocking (and she’s come home for some activity I’m really looking forward to, like yes: Chess!).
f. She’s locked out of her home and needs my help (before we can go in and do some activity I’m really looking forward to… what else, seriously, chess!).
What is the big idea behind chivalry or expecting a man to do things that might seem unnatural to him?
Yes, women probably find it charming because a few good men in their enthusiasm to please their bratty spoilt date do it. Little do these ladies realise that these acts are just that. Acts, that work smooth, when he has moves in his mind.
Besides, face it, Ladies. It’s charming because it’s rare and special.
And gentlemen, beware of opening the door for her all the time. You make it a habit and before you know it, you are just as good as that thing at the door that lets the woman walk over. Yes, the doormat. Soon, you’ll be paying each time. Literally.
Open the door, only when there’s a chance for the dance! If it doesn’t seem like it, you will surely be happier off watching that channel on TV she does not approve of.

She says:
Yeah. Chess. (Excuse me while I gag.)
Now there’s a complex task. The point is, if it doesn’t come naturally, don’t force it. No woman is going to fall into a dead faint if you don’t open a door for her. (In fact, in these trying times, we’ll probably faint with surprise if you do.)
Because, believe it or not, we can open our own doors. And carry our own luggage. And pulling out a chair at a restaurant doesn’t need the brains of a space scientist, or the brawn of Arnold Schwarzenegger. (Honestly, if it did, would you be able to do it?)
But the fact is, good old-fashioned chivalry is still charming. Though of course, there are many points of view on that too. I, for instance, took a quick poll and found that one friend who sniggered evilly and called chivalry “a stupid, insulting” idea, while another one got mooney eyed and gasped, ” but, it’s so sweet.” But perhaps the most honest reply came from a girl who reportedly makes her male friends jump through hoops. “Well, the man’s there, isn’t he? So, just put him to use!”
Pssst: Looking coy and helpless does accomplish wonders. Because the bottom line is: Yeah, sure… There’s nothing we can’t do. But if somebody wants to do all the grunt work, who are we to stop him? Besides, it’s nice getting a chair every time you walk into a crowded room. And it’s nice to not have to carry your own luggage. And yes, it’s nice being treated like royalty.
And if it seems unnatural to ‘him,’ he just doesn’t have to do it. But maybe he should get used to watching a lot of TV in the evenings.

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Archive For July 29th, 2005

Episode 2: What’s hawt?

He Says She Says: Who should open the door?