I’m not sure if I watched the movie after an excruciatingly long hectic day or if the latest installment should be taken with a pinch of salt, lemon and Tequila shots.
Remember those Santhoshi Maa/ Kali Maa/ Amman films where devotees in need of a miracle pray to the Goddess and she obliges, striking down the bad guys with lightning and thunder. Pirates 3 actually gets into that league, only on a multi-million dollar scale. Only that here Kali Maa becomes Calypso, the Amman for the pirates.
Now, I’m reasonably savvy Pirates fan. I was sure I would like this film. I even had my list of predictions after watching the second part closely for about four times. I had predicted that Will Turner was gonna die trying to keep his vow, clearing the way for Jack Sparrow to get Elizabeth, especially because Will has nothing much to do in the first two parts apart from brandishing his sword every ten minutes. Killing him would give his character some dignity, I thought. I thought that the magic dust or the ring he steals from Tia would’ve saved Jack Sparrow and the Black Pearl from the Cracken.
No surprise then that I’m really disappointed with this lets-make-it-up-as-we-go narrative written under the influence of barrels of stale rum. Because this version doesn’t bother connecting the second part with the third except for basic facts like Jack Sparrow is dead, Will Turner has made a promise to free his Dad from Davy Jones and the East India Company is cracking down on pirates.
What about the questions we want answers for? What happens to Jack Sparrow after he marches towards the Cracken with a sword in hand and gets swallowed? How did he end up in what looked like Wachowski Brothers’s Matrix set, with the animation department testing out the Agent Smith multiplicity trick on Jack Sparrow going nuts? Why was he carrying that jar of dust in the last episode when it served no purpose?
After all that build-up towards the end of the second part when the pirate’s friends team up to bring Jack back, all we get is a anytime check-in/check-out Davy Jones Locker that can be accessed by winners of a primary school combination puzzle contest.
If people who die can come back alive anytime with no problems at all, why all that sword-fighting and double crossing?
And where’s all the fun gone, mate? But for one ‘That’s my peanut’ joke, the first half takes itself so seriously that I found myself dozing off, at least twice. Calypso? What? Is there a Chosen one too? Council of pirates?? What was that again? Was that welcome drink at the premiere laced? Was I drunk? Or was the second half going to feature Jedi knights fighting with light-sabers? And, why is Jack Sparrow swinging around so much like Spider-Man?
Or maybe it would’ve been more interesting to watch Karibbean Kallarai Theevu that would’ve opened with the mass execution scene where a little boy probably sang “Paapa Paadum Paatu” with the crowd of prisoners joining in the chorus as sidekicks run up to Beckett to give him the news, “Baas, avanga paatu paaduraanga” as Beckett replies: “Molam naa Adikiren.”
Or when the pirates pray to Calypso saying “Aatha, Suyaroopathey kaatu aathu” as Tia Dalma grows up like Gulliver… And No, I’m quite sure I wasn’t watching ‘Dude, Where’s My Car’. (Remember this scene in that whacko movie when a bystander father makes sure his son doesn’t get to see the giant woman’s panties?)
Okay, I reserve further comments until I watch it the second time on Sunday afternoon. I still find it difficult to believe the disaster it was, especially since the last half an hour was so good.