1. First, teens don’t spell conventionally. It’s not teens. It’s teenz. The golden rule: If it’s plural, replace the S with the Z. Add how many ever zees you want if its the last alphabet in the word. Like boyzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz, folkzzzzzz, galzzzzzzzz etc. Similarly, if it’s a word that begins with C, replace it with K. Kool?
2. Get yourself a crash course in abbreviation. The most important one of them all is LOL. It means Laugh Out Loud. Using LOL during a chat or in a text message indicatez ur kool. You don’t have to worry about Upper case or Lower case because most teen are Case blind. lolzzzzz! If you suspect if you’ve overused it, don’t worry teens don’t care about overdose. But just to demonstrate your vocabulary, you could also use ROFL (rolling on the floor laughing), ROFLTIME (rolling on the floor with tears in my eyes) or even make up your own code and spread it.
3. Boycott vowels and if there’s a double letter in the word, either use just one or replace it with a vowel that sounds more like it. Sample: Look would become luk. Better wud bcum btr. cn u rd dis? r u ok? In fact, OK itself is considered a waste of a whole alphabet since O is understood, rather silent when teenz say the word. So it’s just K. Like this, k?
4. All official or formal sounding words have been purged from teen lingo. So please spelt pl still sounds formal and hence to communicate the kool vibe, please is spelt pliss or plees, love is spelt lou, alright becomes awrite or aite and sorry becomes sowwie. Yes, teens like baby talk… So always start a sentence with Awwwww… and end with kissie wissie or huggie wuggie. You can also end with any number of question or exclamation marks because teens love being dramatic… awwww! so cute!!!!!!!!!!!!! Not all teens use the wrong spelling because they want to save a few alphabets from being used, some of them use it to illustrate or stress the importance of magnitude of the emotion with which the word is said. So the aforementioned example would now read: Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! Soooooooooooooooooo cuuuuuuute!!!!! Huggie Wuggie. Kissie!
5. Teens don’t understand nouns. They have one word that refers to all material and abstract nouns – Thingie. And one word to be used as adjective – bling. Watz dat thingie u hd 2 do dis wk? Gimme ur thingie 2day. They have two words when they have to talk about someone – Dude or Babe. Hey luk, dat dude frm da dance thingie v wnt 4 las wk cald. he nt wt dat bling babe NE mo. kool noooo?! lolzzzzzz!
(The writer dude, though 32, admits to having many kool teen friends on Facebook. The column originally appeared here.)