What’s Your Rashee? Kiss Your Ass Goodbye

In astronomy, comets are often named after the people behind the discovery.

Can such a convention can be applied for astrology too? Because ‘What’s Your Rashee’ marks the discovery of a new zodiac sign.

We could find water on the moon, so why should it surprise us that Ashutosh Gowariker has discovered a new Rashee?

Hero Harman Baweja’s Yogesh Patel is officially the first-known movie character to be born under this sign. Actually, we suspect that his character in Love Story 2050 took was born under the same one.

Strictly going by the traits displayed by Hurman, people born under the influence of ‘Jackass’ a.k.a. the Gadha Rashee, I have tried to come up with a preliminary analysis of the type, Linda Goodman style.

Sun Sign: Jackass

Rashee: Gadha

January 1-December 31, 2050 – 2008

How to Recognise Jackasses

Physical appearance: Jackasses are very self-conscious, they do not display their real emotions primarily because of a congenital disability that makes you wonder if they are wooden. They are like those cheap Made in China fakes… Apparently fakes and replicas are quite different. Fakes maybe made of a different material and are easy to tell apart from the originals, replicas are manufactured with the same materials (Mr. Baweja Sr. can only pray and hope that no material from one Rakesh Roshan was used in the production of his Jr. Baweja).

When kissed by the Princess, the right frog can turn into Prince Charming but no amount of kissing ass can make Ashu transform it into a horse.

Jackasses often pretend to be horses and the first sighting of this behaviour happened during a disaster called Love Story 2050. But with the right technicians, Jackasses can be made to look like fine horses from certain angles and this does happen in once in a while in ‘What’s Your Rashee’ too. (To be fair, Hurman has come a long way from 2050 days. He now looks human, not like the bad visual effect he used to look like)

So yes, Jackasses are confused and do not have an identity or mind of their own. They belong to families involved in scams… the kind of family that would even sell their son for money. Jackasses do not have a spine to stand up and do the right thing.

Jackasses get easily influenced overnight because of a book they just read and teary-eyes of their loved ones could make them go shopping for women who’ve been kindly listed on the basis of how much they are worth. (I am seriously curious to see how the Gujarati community reacts to this movie. The last thing Gujarat needs is another riot.)

Here’s how Jackasses behave with assorted sun signs of the opposite sex in Ashutosh’s universe that speaks and breathes Gujarati rather credibly within the stereotypes employed for the sake of comedy.

Jackass and Aries

Ashutosh’s Aries girl is a Behenji-Turned/trying to be-Mod.

Jackasses are observant and clever enough to spot a BTM by a mere glance of the regional newspaper in her handbag or her inability to smoke or speak English. She might look like Priyanka Chopra and would fit the profile of the Before Makeover Romantic Comedy type but that’s not good enough for an American Gujarati Jackass who waits tables/ freelances as a DJ in Chicago.

Outcome: Jackass hurts girl

Jackass and Aquarius

Jackasses have rather simple desires. A hawt Priyanka Chopra who speaks with an American accent and drives a convertible is just the perfect match. Okay, and if the Aquarian hawt chick already has a boyfriend and is only willing to be a friend, what choice would a jackass have but to grab what he gets – even if it’s just a late night drive. Outcome: Girl finds back-up bakra.

Jackass and Gemini

Jackasses know lines from trashy romance movies by heart and can also dance. A Jackass may find an equally romantic girl who is full of life and not hesitate to break her heart on account of a technicality – that he needs to get married in 10 days. A Jackass has the same approach to girls as he would have when he’s shopping for an underwear.

“Ok, I want Amul because… Yeh Toh Bada Toing Hai. But if you can’t give it to me right now, I will buy something else.”

Outcome: Jackass hurts girl

Jackass and Cancer

Jackasses would’ve liked their partner to be a virgin but they are willing to compromise. If the girl is able to guarantee that she will be able to outdo and improve her past performance in terms of quantum of love disbursed, a Jackass might consider her. A mere promise of “I will surely try” is not good enough. He has other women to check out. Outcome: Jackass hurts girl

Jackass and Libra

Jackasses are terrified of confident, bossy women. They get nightmares of being at the receiving end of S&M and all… Never mind the hypocrisy that he’s getting married for money, a Jackass does have a problem with her getting married for professional reasons. Jackasses can be proudly hypocritical.

Outcome: Jackass’s ego’s hurt

Jackass and Pisces

Jackasses are very scientific and rational. They feel claustrophobic when a rich spoilt girl offers unconditional love because she is certain that their bond is eternal and has lasted more than a lifetime.

Outcome: Jackass hurts girl

Jackass and Leo

Jackasses suck when it comes to wooing hawt chicks. Even if all they had to do was suck on a gola to get the rock-star item girl with a thousand fans.

Outcome: Jackass disappoints girl

Jackass and Scorpio

Bring an ordinary girl and introduce her to a Jackass and he would be like, when’s the next girl coming man? But the minute she changes into a short skirt and sports a hawt wig, Jackasses get excited but then again… They cannot deal with girls who want to be a supermodel and walk ramps around the world.

Outcome: Jackass liberates girl to chase her dreams (while actually rejecting her and the dumb girl does not even know)

Jackass and Sagittarius

Jackasses are virgins (nothing to do with Virgos) and fight shy of premarital sex. They find people believing in astrology ridiculous (Yes, you can imagine why they can’t relate to such old-fashioned folk in today’s world especially when he’s the one going around checking out girls on the basis of their Rashees).

Outcome: Jackass leaves girl horny in bed.

(Good thing that Jackass does not have Barney Stinson (HIMYM) for a friend…Imagine Barney’s frustration! “The Bulls Eye comes to your gun and all you had to do was hit that”)

Jackass and Virgo

Now, Jackasses though raised in the most traditional families have never felt at home in their place of origin. To expect a Jackass to work in a developing country is plain unreasonable and unimaginable, even if the girl is the perfect one and has the natural ability to strike a balance between work, relationships and doing what gives her happiness, irrespective of money.

Outcome: Jackass hurts girl

Jackass and Taurus

Give the Jackass the hottest looking, fun-loving, singing-dancing Princess and unlimited money and he will still turn it down if he finds her even a wee bit retarded and never get back to her.

Outcome: Jackass does not realise it was just a test

Jackass and Capricorn

A Jackass is not a paedo and you have to give him that. It’s another thing that he may still fantasise about the 15-year old in a dream song when he’s confused about which of the 12 to choose.

Outcome: Jackass liberates girl (this is also the ugliest girl of the lot but luckily, Jackass has a valid reason to reject her on the basis of age)

Jackass as a hero

Yes, Jackasses are also a little dumb taking after the animal the sign is named after. Moments after the Aquarian girl leaves telling him that she needs to explain and sort out something, he wonders why she left. He believes anything people would tell him (provided they are not women of course).

Jackass protagonists are characters even their creators don’t like.

In the interest of concealing the identity of the girl he would marry from the audience, director Ashutosh decides not to take the boy’s opinion into consideration.

Because the director knows his hero is a Jackass who is not capable of making up his mind. So he further highlights his hero’s smartness by having him look cluelessly at his bride and wonder who the hell she could be (since all of them anyway look like Priyanka Chopra who until this moment has been fantastic in each of her roles, giving each one a nice unique quirk that’s typical of her sun-sign). No prizes for guessing which girl chooses him (Just scan through the Outcomes and you will understand how the director discovered a new sun sign).

Could there BE anyone more stupendously moronical? I was completely intrigued by such a simply basic yet complexly paradoxical, near ill-defined, character type at this stage and it finally hit me that Ashutosh Gowariker had invented a new sun sign.

So I looked hard at Hurman’s face on the screen and wondered: Dude, What’s Your Rashee?

And at the end of the film, he gave that smile that said it all. Jackass, of course.

P.S: Ashutosh would do well to add all his deleted scenes to this three and a half hour fare and then make it a TV series like Mr. Yogi did. Watch it for the spirited Priyanka Chopra. Two stars.