1. Not everyone can be a mass hero. Before you even think of enrolling in an acting school or training to be an actor, ask yourself this and answer it as honestly as you can: Are you God? If you want to be a mass hero, you know the answer to that has got to be “Yes, I am Him.”. Or quit right away, you will never make it.
2. Even before you sign your first film, make sure the city is flooded with larger than life cutouts of you, ideally in white, smiling with your arms folded, greeting your subjects with great humility from up above there. These must contain the title you have conferred upon yourself, preferably in Tamizh. Everything from Top Star to Little Star to Ultimate Star have been taken and most combinations of Puratchi, Makkal, Tamizhan, Kalaignan, Thalapathy, Nayagan have been done to death. Hint: Acquire any of the Sun derivatives or hit other planets for inspiration… Eg. Mercury Nayagan or Jupiter Samy.
3. Remember Thou Shalt Not Sign any film where you will be slapped by any other character in the film. Thou Shalt Not Play a role that requires you to play second fiddle to anyone. Thou Shalt Only Portray the invincible and your contract must entitle you to 30 per cent of your screen time dedicated to walking in slow motion, 30 per cent of it towards dispatching 10 stuntmen (all heavier than you) miles away with just one kick, 30 per cent of it dedicated to heroines dancing around you, singing your praises or people showering petals as you walk by and another 110 per cent of the film will be set aside for an appropriate build up and introduction of Your Majesty… Cameras ought to do their rounds on the circular trolley around you for at least a hundred times in the film.
4. Ensure that your worshippers have started work on building a temple for you and if you have not been able to convince them to do that, issue a press release announcing that you have requested the confederation of all your fan clubs and welfare associations to contribute that amount to charity instead. And that you have no intentions of entering politics FOR NOW. Simultaneously, your films must lash out against the establishment and showcase yourself as the messiah of the masses. It goes without saying that your movie title has to be named after you (ideally some avatar of God) and all characters in the film should refer to you by that revered God-like name.
5. You need to brand yourself with a Mudra – some sort of finger gesticulation that would be easy to replicate by the stupidest guy in the crowd. Use this in all your films and in reality and this Mudra will help you blur the lines between your real self and the reel avatar. The day the first guy on the road greets you with that Mudra, your transition from Human to Divine is complete. Tip: Avoid the little finger, since it has other connotations. All other fingers including the Thumb are good and if you can pull of the Vulcan salute, live long and prosper. And you know who to sign up as your Advisor.
(The author is an expert in dishing out useless advice to aspiring icons and assorted idiots. This column originally appeared here)