1. Bite a dog. Like they say, it’s not news when dog bites man. It’s news when man bites dog. Just make sure you have the footage. Every news channel will want it. It should get a few hits on Youtube. Next thing you know, news channels flashing blurbs calling you the Dog-Biter of *Insert name of your hometown*, will want a byte from you. But beware of animal activists, and a bite from them. And also beware: Dogs bite back when attacked. The safer option is not to interpret it literally but do similar things. You could bite a cat. Or a rat. Or a porcupine, if you can. Basically, people should be able to identify you as the guy who, say, eats worms, for example.
2. Once you’re done exhausting biting pretty much every animal you can find and if it still does not make you famous, protest. Stand up for something. But first, understand the competition. Greenpeace protests industrial pollution, PETA protests animals in cages, Maneka Gandhi protests everything endangering animals, right-wing fundamentalists protest Western culture and there are various feminist groups protesting different kinds of moral police. So find something no one is protesting. Like beauty. You could fight for reservation for ugly people on TV and films. There are plenty of their tribe who will support you. But then again, your local film industry, or the porn film business, already have many ugly people employed. So you might want to protest that and demand reservation for good-looking people in those sectors.
3. If protest doesn’t work and nothing you do is good enough for news. Go buy a copy of the book of records. See what they have records for and try to beat at least one of it. There are records for RJing, DJing, Cooking, Drinking Beer at a stretch etc. There must be something you can do at a stretch without sleeping. Else find the record for sleeping and beat that. Or create a new area where there is no record recorded. Like can levitate for three days, eat five copies of the book of records in five minutes etc.
4. If even levitation does not work, nothing will. You need divine intervention. So claim that too. That God came in your sleep and appointed you as the President of the World. There are many people who blindly believe in God-men. You just need to find the virgin market that’s yet to be touched by existing God-men. Try social networks and build an active e-presence, a website could be an e-temple for yourself full of testimonials from your devotees who are grateful to you for the change you brought to their lives. It takes less than an hour to make up a dozen testimonials. If you have the money, put posters all over town and double up as spiritual and political leader.
5. Okay, so nothing works. You are no good, nobody believes your lies and you have no skill or money. Learn from the kids from that new movie in town. Do the “chaddi march” all over town for no reason. It builds intrigue. “We don’t know why and he’s not saying why but he’s walking all around town in just an underwear.” You may have to take it off if someone beats you to it and continue the march! That should make you instantly famous. But remember, we didn’t say “Without getting arrested.”
(The author is currently attempting to levitate. If it fails, he is threatening to pursue Step 5. This column originally appeared here.)
MADRAS INK. 