People!
Blogging surely seems to have done a lot of good to my professional writing.
This appeared today. But this is the unedited version!
Disclaimer: All my friends especially, I might have done some of this with you guys, but that does not mean I’m a part of the cult! 😛
Cheapness in Chennai!
It was bound to happen in a world governed by the wallet.
It was bound to happen in a world governed by the wallet.
SUDHISH KAMATH and SHONALI MUTHALALY uncover a new cult in the city.
Psst: Chennai is taken.
Many are getting absorbed into the cult, whose believers are bound by Omerta. They talk about it, and they die. A little exaggeration. But, in these days of designer tag spirituality and mystical detoxification, this radically different cult is governed by one rule… Read the following in a hushed tone typical of a Shyamalan movie:
Many are getting absorbed into the cult, whose believers are bound by Omerta. They talk about it, and they die. A little exaggeration. But, in these days of designer tag spirituality and mystical detoxification, this radically different cult is governed by one rule… Read the following in a hushed tone typical of a Shyamalan movie:
‘Thou Shall Not Preach The Ways Of The Cult.’
Here’s why.
They are seen around but not noticed.
Take them for lunch and they’re the ones whose ears suddenly begin to scratch once the bill arrives, thus ensuring that their hands are well away from their wallets at the moment of reckoning.
When they’re not inviting themselves to breakfast/lunch/dinner at a friend’s house, you can spot them hanging off the banisters at a shopping mall, making the most of free air-conditioning. Welcome to the world of the petrosexual.
They are seen around but not noticed.
Take them for lunch and they’re the ones whose ears suddenly begin to scratch once the bill arrives, thus ensuring that their hands are well away from their wallets at the moment of reckoning.
When they’re not inviting themselves to breakfast/lunch/dinner at a friend’s house, you can spot them hanging off the banisters at a shopping mall, making the most of free air-conditioning. Welcome to the world of the petrosexual.
Petrosexual (noun)
People who are petrified to spend money
Who seem petty, but aren’t really
Who keep cheap pets like frogs and spiders.
Who seem petty, but aren’t really
Who keep cheap pets like frogs and spiders.
The only rule: Have thrills, no bills.
It isn’t just about cost-cutting. You could still boil potatoes in Evian and eat cheeses from ‘a darling little town in Switzerland,’ if you join this Path of Living programme.
It isn’t just about cost-cutting. You could still boil potatoes in Evian and eat cheeses from ‘a darling little town in Switzerland,’ if you join this Path of Living programme.
Thou Shall Make Friends
People. Make a hundred friends. Remembering their birthdays and anniversaries isn’t good enough. Also store birthdays of their siblings, parents, grannies and pets in your mobile phone organiser or diary. Having a hundred friends and relatives guarantees at least 200 occasions in a year to get free food.
Use the internet, join communities like Orkut, Friendster or Hi-5 and spread your network. Make friends from neighbouring states, with people who are likely to visit you or from places you are likely to visit. A hundred of these will make sure you get to pile on to them when you visit them or get them to treat you when they are in town.
Let’s say they’re staying at this star hotel, just land up in the morning and eat from their fruit baskets. Or if they don’t want you to visit them, ask them to bring you toiletries and stationary from their rooms — and there, you have a week’s supply of toothpaste, shampoo, soaps, a pen and a notepad.
When you meet them, remember to get them gifts so that they feel bad about letting you pay for the food. But wait, who’s asking you to buy the gifts?
Use the internet, join communities like Orkut, Friendster or Hi-5 and spread your network. Make friends from neighbouring states, with people who are likely to visit you or from places you are likely to visit. A hundred of these will make sure you get to pile on to them when you visit them or get them to treat you when they are in town.
Let’s say they’re staying at this star hotel, just land up in the morning and eat from their fruit baskets. Or if they don’t want you to visit them, ask them to bring you toiletries and stationary from their rooms — and there, you have a week’s supply of toothpaste, shampoo, soaps, a pen and a notepad.
When you meet them, remember to get them gifts so that they feel bad about letting you pay for the food. But wait, who’s asking you to buy the gifts?
Thou Shall Not Pay For Gifts
Ask your local vegetable vendor to supply you with cauliflower and corn that he’s just about to throw away. Worst case, buy it. First wash it, spray your deo on it and then wrap it in neat plastic and sprinkle the corn to make it colourful. And there, you have a bouquet. Plus, you’re creative, thoughtful and witty. Just say, “Flowers for the lady.”
If it’s a guy you are meeting, tell him you’ve already eaten. When he orders you could always eat from his plate. Good conversation is the key, get him excited so that he talks and you eat.
If you are a girl meeting a guy, it’s easier. Just talk to him about chivalry. Most men like to pay for women. If you are a girl meeting a girl, you can still use the cauliflower strategy and scribble a silly poem on the paper napkin. Sample:
If it’s a guy you are meeting, tell him you’ve already eaten. When he orders you could always eat from his plate. Good conversation is the key, get him excited so that he talks and you eat.
If you are a girl meeting a guy, it’s easier. Just talk to him about chivalry. Most men like to pay for women. If you are a girl meeting a girl, you can still use the cauliflower strategy and scribble a silly poem on the paper napkin. Sample:
O, what do I
call a flower,
but Oh my…
Cauliflower?
He he!
call a flower,
but Oh my…
Cauliflower?
He he!
It’s okay if she thinks you’re a bad poet, but the point is you tried. Also tell him/her you were broke when you give your low-cost gift. Guaranteed response: “Oh, that’s okay. It’s the thought that counts.” And hey, go to the wash room when the bill arrives.
And yes, if it’s the dog’s birthday, spend Rs.35 and get an artificial bone. It’s guaranteed to make the dog’s owner feel choked and touched enough to feed you/take you out, buy you a nice gift on your birthday. Stay away from the dog though.
And yes, if it’s the dog’s birthday, spend Rs.35 and get an artificial bone. It’s guaranteed to make the dog’s owner feel choked and touched enough to feed you/take you out, buy you a nice gift on your birthday. Stay away from the dog though.
Thou Shall Not Date A Person Of Your Cult
Not all of us succeed in making friends or getting adopted by A.M.Ratnam. So get a financially blessed boyfriend/girlfriend who enjoys paying. And do not commit. If you do that, you can kiss your freebies goodbye.
It’s important to know the best deals in town. The Cookie-Man guys give away free cookies, Baskin Robbins lets you taste 31 flavours (which means 31 spoonfuls) of ice-cream. Must you pay, order the cheapest (like the ten-rupee Lime Mint Cooler at Fruit shop on Greams Road) or just Coke/Lime Soda at any coffee shop of a three/four star hotel for Rs.20-30 for spending a whole night there. When you are going dutch for dinner, eat at home, say ‘I’m dieting’ and then take advantage of the freebies (papads, munchies, appetisers ordered by your friends).
It’s important to know the best deals in town. The Cookie-Man guys give away free cookies, Baskin Robbins lets you taste 31 flavours (which means 31 spoonfuls) of ice-cream. Must you pay, order the cheapest (like the ten-rupee Lime Mint Cooler at Fruit shop on Greams Road) or just Coke/Lime Soda at any coffee shop of a three/four star hotel for Rs.20-30 for spending a whole night there. When you are going dutch for dinner, eat at home, say ‘I’m dieting’ and then take advantage of the freebies (papads, munchies, appetisers ordered by your friends).
Thou Shall Join Cheap Clubs
Go to Landmark or The British Council and you can read stuff for free. Join movie clubs and get invited to movies throughout the year for a pittance. Join Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous or similar large hearted self-help groups or non government organisations which give free snacks during meetings. That way, you also get to spread your network.
But remember… Omerta.
But remember… Omerta.
MADRAS INK. 