Well, it wasn’t one of those nights which brought with it the celebration it is known to spread. It was a rather quiet night and a totally sober morning after.
Starting trouble 2005.
I hate to be sober. At the beginning of a new year.
Because when you’re high or happy, you decide on a few things, you tell yourself it’s all gonna be great. That it’s a fresh start, a new beginning, and all that regular feel good rhetoric I wrote in my Metro Plus story, in the course of duty.
2004 was the year of being content and happy, I learnt to be patient and take it easy — thought it was all part of growing up and maturity.
And now, as the new year dawns, it’s almost like I’ve had to price to pay. At the cost of being happy, I feel I’ve let my dreams down a little. I’ve been too content and satisfied way too early in my life. Two promotions in a year does sound good, but dude, this isn’t what I want to do with the rest of my life. Or is it?
I think I’m lost.
I don’t seem to know my way around to reach my dreams.
I’m wondering over that road not taken.
I’m beginning to believe that growing up isn’t a good thing and patience hasn’t done me any good.
I remember raising a toast a year ago: “2004 will be the year of That Four Letter Word!”
Today, the only four letter word I could think off, is JINX as I helplessly watched my printer flash an error message after printing out 23 pages of my 80 page tightened-up racy script. I fix that and find that the scriptwriting software itself is now corrupted. An incomplete task. A visual metaphor, I realise as I carefully take what had come out of the printer and put it in a brand new file I made my brother fetch for me!
Earlier last year, the editing studio guys called me because they discovered that fungus found my footage interesting. And my friends found it funny that finally, someone liked the film. I laughed at the joke. And then thought to myself: “What assholes!”
I thought it was fine, I had it all under control. Besides, thanks to the five-year learning curve on this project, I knew that the new product would only be much superior. And the more films I saw during the year, the more confident I felt, the more I felt I had learned from their mistakes. Also, every movie that moved me to tears was a lesson, every moment that made me laugh was education, every film that made me think was a case study.
I still am confident that I can make a good movie. But will I make it at all, is altogether another question.
Yes, I’m lost.
And that’s a good sign because it means I need to find my way out. The good news is that I have an entire team with me in my search.
Wish me luck. I’m making a start.