Today, I was sent to review Sins.
I’m still wondering if my paper is really serious about wanting me to review it. 😀
The thing is I don’t remember my paper carrying a review of a porn movie ever before. And I can’t wait to write one. Especially, because it’s been well over half a decade that I’ve seen a mainstream porn film. The last one I saw was in Manipal after I unwittingly got into the video parlour for a Padayappa show half an hour before the scheduled start of the film. And I got to see one of those fascinating Emanuelle movies featuring firang pornstars making out on the Indian ‘Palace on Wheels’ trains! The frequent shots of coal being added to the fire of the train engine served as a metaphor for the heat and intensity of action happening between … er… a few feet away!
My favourite however is … heard of this guy called Jag Mundra?
He used to make some kickass stuff. Plenty of action, babes, guns, a murder mystery, drama, comedy, and general masala to spice up the ‘matter’ scenes. So in a way, it was value for money because you could actually pretend that you like Jag Mundra films because he’s like the Jerry Bruckheimer of porn. His films aren’t full blown porn, but yes, there’s plenty of ‘matter’ sneaked in brilliantly, into a masala film.
He made this film called Monsoon, with Helen Brodie, remember? That was probably for the first time I saw a mainstream Indian face do ‘matter’ for the camera!
Cut to today. Sins.
Hmmmm… but wait, Sins is not like a triple-X blue film but it certainly can be classified as porn (yes, ‘matter’ padam) for the following reasons:
a. Presenting the complete screenplay:
Priest meets girl, does ‘matter’ with her, feels bad, but does ‘matter’ again, and again, girl gets admission to college, does ‘matter’ again, passes out of college, does ‘matter’ again, visits him in church, does ‘matter’ there too … goes to his house, does matter again and again and again and when people start talking about it, Priest gets her married on the condition that she will not ‘matter’ with her dummy husband, and then continues to do ‘matter’ with her again, girl feels bad, but she still does ‘matter’ with him yet again, priest becomes obsessed, does ‘matter’ with her like an animal, girl wants to escape and falls in love with her husband, they do ‘matter’ secretly, they escape, do ‘matter’ again, priest kills ‘matter’ girl’s mother, gets the girl killed and goes to jail.
Every alternate scene in the movie was a ‘matter’ scene! The excuses the screenplay uses to get into the ‘matter’ scenes is what makes the film hilarious in parts.
b. The Matterial Girl:
Seema Rehmani could probably teach Mallika Sherawat a thing or two, as she shows her what bold really is. If Mallika watched Sins, she might just feel that Rehmani has given her more than a tit for tat! ahem ahem!
The director ensures Rehmani gets as much exposure as possible.
I remember an old joke I heard in school about film classifications.
In a U-film, the hero gets the girl.
In an A-film, the villain gets the girl.
In an X-rated film… well… Yeverybody gets the girl!
Sins belongs to the third category!
c. The ‘Performances’:
What in the name of Christ was that guy doing as a priest? A terrible terrible TV actor not only miscast in the role of a forty-something, hams at the drop of her clothes! In fact, the only laughs in the film are provided when this lead guy who’s name I won’t bother to find out, tries to show us his histrionic side. If it was a stage show, I would’ve yelled: Dude, it’s just a porn film, you don’t need to do all this! Don’t even try, cuz you suck. And since that’s the only thing you seem good at, just keep at it, minus the dialogues!
The ‘matter’ scenes were wildly choreographed alright but even that, in the absence of an excuse of a storyline made for painfully boring viewing.
In fact, Seema surely seems to have great potential. Too bad, she’s just been treated like a pornstar all through the film! Half the time we see her in the film, the director makes one or the other guy take her top off, how would one even find out if she can act with all these distractions?
d. The ‘Mallu’ touch
This film didn’t need Kerala at all. Maybe Pande was inspired by all those Shakeela Chechi flicks. Aint Superstar Shakeela Chechi called Rosemary in like half her films?
Not one location appears like Kerala, the architecture is very Goan, so are the names and the lifestyles portrayed. The accents too swing from wannabe Mallu to wannabe Ammerikkan to Paan-in-the-mouth Sethji accent!
Anyway, none of the actors were Mallu, nor is the director. And here, they are setting a story in Quilon, Kerala, a world they clearly don’t know anything about. They show a Kannada movie poster in the railway station instead of a Mallu one, and make Rosemary wait in the Alathur bus-stop in Quilon. Alathur is near Palakkad, Mr. Pande! Oh I’m sorry, why am I even bothering to point out geographical bloopers in a porn film!!
e. The choice of names for the lead characters.
I can bet my sweet ass that director Vinod Pande’s real intention was to make a tribute to porn cinema. Rosemary, what Seema is called in the film, is the biggest cliche for a name. Half the porn film heroines in the history of Indian porn are either called Rosemary Lele as in RozMeri Lele (Translated to: Take mine everyday) or ReshMa Choudhry (Translated to… Well, never mind!).
Father William has been conveniently abbreviated to Willy, as Rosemary later refers to him!He just stopped short of making Seema scream: “Willy RozMeri leta hai!” Ha ha!
Ah well, maybe Vinod Pande would have liked to spell his own name a little differently.
But who would, especially, after watching his Sins, ever say: Vinod PornDe!?
(Translated: Vinod, give us Porn!)
MADRAS INK. 
Was the last line for me? And just out of curiosity. Do you think maybe they didn’t take cetain precautions while shooting the matter scenes? And that Vinod Pande might be considering a sequel called ‘Rosemary’s Baby’???
How did this movie become mainstream? Btw, only you can call your ass sweet..
ROTFLMAO!!owwww……this is so funny it hurts!!!my tummy……owwwwwwww!!!
Matterly oops… Masterlay review .
Jag(Mohan) Mundhra is a very good observation . Here’s a guy who had a PHd in marketing and was doing erotic thrillers in the west. He even had 2 brand images for himself -Jag Mundhra for matter films and Jagmohan Mundhra for mainstream films. He along with Zalman King was probably the king of erotic movie market in Chennai (Casino and Gaiety to be precise) before the big fat lady(Shakeela) busted them out.
The film needed Kerala because it is based on a true story . I think that the Mallu Pornwood also has done a film based on this .
I hope ur paper does carry this “matter” (review)
I saw you at ACJ! Didn’t know it was you. Dang! You came for ‘War and Peace’ right?
this is one of the funniest reviews i’ve read! aw, to hell with the film, people should read your review.
ROTFL… Waiting to see how u write this for the prim and proper “Old Lady of Mount Road” 😉
And in case I havent told u this before.. DUDE YOU ROCK….
Read Kiruba’s peice on TFLW and the accompanying interview… I bow to thee…
man that was one helluva funny review
i can think of a billion bad puns with matter but ur review has the best ones.
names like willy and rosemary make me think if it was just normal or if it was the director’s “wink wink” at the audience..in any case will the screening of ‘that-4-letter-word’ have any bits in between as incentive…
sins-erely urs
i take back what i said abt the bits in TFLW.no need for any incentive.i promise i wont download it or get the thiruttu vcd though that might be the only way i’ll get to see it here.
i can’t do much to help u in anyway except offer words.but hats off to ur efforts so far .they’ll definitely bear fruition
u da man
Indha badam damil la remake pannanum. Naanum mumtaj um nadikkarom 😀
Hi Sudhish,
Of what use were the pen and the paper of use while watching the film!
I can well imagine.
Why even bother with a storyline, when zex zells?
Cool review.. A strange case of review being better than the movie..
Now gotto watch this “Sinema “..
the funniest piece i have ever read :))
Vinod…
thambi…dont tell me u had a hand (too) in Rosemary’s sins!!
Anyway, i heard that the director Vinod found a sponsor for the sequel…
Who else?
Lays!
(No one can eat just one!)
arvinda kisna…
movie is mainstream cuz it’s all legit, censored and publicity heavy…
and regarding my sweet and cute if i may add ass… wat’s your problem? u don’t like animals, u pervert??
😀
Rapunzel…
im sorry if u hurt u! 😛
i can make up… where did u say it hurts? 😀
Sabs…
yes, i heard it is based on a true story but considering all the deviation from reality, it wudnt have made any difference to shift it to Goa… wudve made it more easier for everyone!
And Zalman King i remember… but dont remember movies!!
To me Jag is King! 😀
yeah Mo!
that was me!
Im just goin to the beach screening to meet the man!
Thanks Karthik!
😀
anti…
thanks pa!!
its impossible to re-write it for the Old Lady!
i guess ill try anyway!
but dunno if they wud carry it!
🙂
catcharun…
the bit idea was our original idea… but the movie was then not called That Four Letter Word… it was initially called Made in Madras.
And Murugan my co-writer suggested that if it doesn’t work, we will add the ‘bit’ and re-release as Maid in Madras!
😀
captain…
kandippa…
naan direct pannuren captain!!
neenga topless act pannanum… naan asian paintsai sponsor panna solluvom!
sangeetha!
yo! it does! 🙂
anonymous people…
thank u thank u thank u!
that was the most hilarious review i ever read man! u rock… the matter paragraph is a killer!!