No IIPM updates here, go away!
Cast: Cole Hauser, Morris Chestnut, Eddie Cibrian and assorted freshers.
Director: Bruce Hunt
Genre: Monster/ thriller
Storyline:What could it be? 😛
Bottomline: Enter at your own risk.
Do flying creatures that munch humans for lunch still excite you?
Hollywood never seems to get tired of mean old monster movies.
The Cave is just an assembly-line export reject, hoping to find takers in a CAS-inflicted regime in Chennai where STAR Movies and HBO come at a premium. But that’s taking optimism too far. For, movie channels give you one such monster film every day a month for the same price of a cinema ticket.
‘The Cave’ is, at best, a crash course on monster movies for dummies.
Cast: Get some guys who’ve done supporting roles in some popular movies. Get guys who don’t mind getting killed after a minute or two and women who look good and scream well. Also one black American to make sure its representative of population, it keeps the brothers happy.
Storyline: A bunch of people venture into a ______ (insert title of the film here… example Haunted Mansion, Deep Blue Sea, Jurassic Park or just say “place” if the title of the film is a creature) only to end up as lunch for ______ (insert name of monster… example Anaconda, Jaws, Godzilla, Aliens, Predator, etc). But for the main guy and the girl (and sometimes, just one more friend) everybody else becomes a part of the monster buffet. And even after they escape, the monsters surface before the end credits to announce a sequel.
1. Monsters are huge, toad ugly motherfukkers.
2. They have irregular eating habits, eat humans anytime they please, especially towards the second half.
3. Monsters like their food raw. They eat humans without peeling the skin or the clothes off them.
4. Monsters have short term memory loss. They often forget to make an appearance, especially during bonding and feel good scenes.
5. They are all psychotic, make funny noises that sound like mating calls but are rarely shown having sex. Or indulging in any romantic moment. They do love to eat women but not the way you think.
6. You never find monster crap in movies cuz monsters look very similar, plus there’s a possibility that eaten man/woman finds an exit from the rear.
Treatment: Hire a game addict and give him a deadline of 100 minutes to write a script. All he needs to do is to transcribe a monster videogame.
Get a visual effects guy for a director. People go to watch a monster movie for the effects. Nothing else matters. Or at least that’s what the makers of this film seem to believe. To director Bruce Hunt’s credit, the visual effects for ‘The Cave’ do rock.
But for that, there’s no other reason to venture in.
And yes, if you’re still hunting for IIPM related blogs, you certainly do need admission into The Cave along with… maybe a back-to-back Double Bill with ‘Grudge,’ the movie I would gladly send anyone I have one against. Grudge, in fact, has a burping ghost.
Yes, announcement: Kisna is no longer the worst film made, it’s got to be the Grudge! By miles.