Mission Istaanbul: Sitting Thru is Mission Impossibul (UNRATED)

Genre: Action
Director: Apoorva Lakhia
Cast: Zayed Khan, Vivek Oberoi, Shriya Saran
Storyline: A journalist finds his life in danger as he discovers the truth behind a controversial TV network with a little help from a mysterious commando.
Bottomline: Destined to be the butt of all jokes

Mission Istaanbul is not a joke. It’s a series. Here are a few random thoughts that ran past my mind as I sat there in the dark trying to take Mission Instanbul seriously:

What’s the best season to release the film in the US?
Thanksgiving. Because it would be the biggest Turkey.
* * *
How close are Suniel Shetty, Zayed Khan and Vivek Oberoi to Hollywood after Istaanbul?
Very. They are wholly wooden.
* * *
Why do Zayed and the villain take off their shirts half the time they see each other?
Because they wanted to rub more than shoulders?
* * *
What is Apoorva Lakhia’s idea of terrorism?
Showing us what the world would be like if Suniel Shetty and Zayed Khan played journalists.
* * *
What is Mission Istaanbul in journalistic parlance?
Bad news.
* * *
Is Shweta Bharadwaj a double or a triple agent? Whose side is she on?
She hasn’t found out yet. Has to be the audience’s side. She wants to please everybody.
* * *
Why is Abhishek Bachchan doing an item in this film?
To console Vivek Oberoi that he also does things apart from Oberoi’s ex-girlfriend.
* * *
Why did a soft drink brand this film and insist on the tagline: Darr Ke Aage Jeet Hai before the action sequence?
It was the competition’s masterstroke.
* * *
Bad guys keep spraying bullets but why don’t Vivek or Zayed ever get hit?
Come on, when have Vivek and Zayed ever even remotely been in a hit?
* * *
What is Shriya Saran doing in Istaanbul?
Trying and hoping to get killed right from the first scene. Is there any other way out of this film?
* * *
Why does Vivek Oberoi keep smiling through out the movie?
He’s the only one who got all the jokes.
* * *
What was Apoorva Lakhia thinking?
He was?
* * *
What is common to Istaanbul and rocket launchers?
It is their destiny to bomb.
* * *
Knock, Knock…
“Who’s there?”
Bull.
“Who Bull?”
Mission…
[interrupts] “Oh! I’m not opening.”
* * *
Knock, Knock…
[No answer]
Knock, Knock…
[Still no answer]
Knock, Knock, Knock, Knock…
[Snore]
Ah! Mission Istaanbul is playing. Even the gateman’s dozed off.