Kanthaswamy: CockMan Chronicles

August 22, 2009 · by sudhishkamath

Dear God,

Muruga, if you exist, Kanthaswamy, please give a remote to every person who watches Kanthaswamy so that they can survive the onslaught of Cockman, the ridiculously slow narrative further slackened with are-you-kidding-me slow mos that had one frontbencher scream: “Yenai Konnudunga” (Kill me now)

Towards the end of the movie, Kanthaswamy asks item girl Mumaith Khan how much the bad guy (caught with his pants down, never bothers putting them back on) paid for her to come and dance in his mobile pad.

“30 Lakhs,” says Mumaith after that song that milked boobage for every penny paid to her.

“This 30 lakhs would’ve helped so many poor families,” CBI officer Kanthaswamy (Vikram) says, reeling out some more statistics to prove economic disparity in the country, a lesson director Susi Ganeshan seems to have picked up from the discarded pages of Shankar’s first draft of Sivaji.

In fact, a whole load of the plot devices including vigilantes with double lives, public grievances interface, encrypted passwords, media manipulation are from Shankar’s old pages from Gentleman, Anniyan and Sivaji.

Now, Susi, Vikram and Co… Considering the 40 crores you guys spent on making this Cock and bull story come alive, you could’ve just given that money to charity directly instead. Why make the already poor people spend another 50-100 bucks to watch something they already know from better-done films?

So what’s gone wrong with this superhero film?

Kanthaswamy or Cockman is not a unique superhero or original by any stretch of imagination or spandex. This self-styled superhero is just Batman wearing a Cocksuit, aided by 11 Robins and operates like Robinhood. Like Phantom, he operates like a ghost, leaving his victims with a mark of his ring. The only original bit in this is that funny cluckety-cluck Cock-dance he does with effeminate grace that had the audience in splits, before he attacks. In fact in another scene, he dresses up as a woman and dances like Aishwarya Rai after arousing a coupla jokers.

A helpful backstory later reveals that Kanthaswamy and his chaddi buddies were used to role-playing in school plays and that little Cockman always got to play Draupadi.

Wait a minute… What’s the significance again?

I am beginning to wonder if there’s any hidden code in each of Vikram’s films that try to find an outlet for repressed sexuality. Let’s think about it. First, Rampwalk Remo, then that Brokeback Mountain-like monologue in Bheema where his pining for the gangster led him to stalk his hero and now this Aishwarya Rai dance further explained with a childhood story about how he always played the girl.

Is he really trying to say something here? I’m just wondering. Not judging. There also seems to be a conscious need to assert his sexuality.

CockMan watches Shriya shake her booty in a video clip. A few scenes later, Shriya is made to kiss him forcibly and much later, in an in-flight restroom, there are random shots of them making out put in just to titillate the audience when the two are just having a conversation there. Or maybe it’s Susi’s Thiruttu Payale tit-for-titillation strategy for box office collections. Need to say here that Shriya’s never looked so hawt EVER! Three on ten just for Shriya’s ‘scene-dance’.

Susi’s obsession with Tits&Ass takes him to new deplorable levels in the name of comedy. He hasn’t even spared Vadivelu who gets to almost moon us (God make me blind!) as the cops drench him in full force of water to the tune of Megham karukuthu (Jo’s dance in Khushi) with Vadivelu’s transparent shorts showing us his butt-cheeks. Eeks!

How is it a superhero film if the hero hardly wears that suit in the second half of the film (his Cockdance would’ve provided so much comic relief but we never get to see it after the first half of the film)? The fact that Vadivelu and Vikram both look hilariously funny and almost identical speaks volumes about this superhero get-up involving a Cock! Really?

Vikram, I feel sorry for you. it’s not really your fault. You’ve done the best you can given this shoddy script. I’m glad you have a Mani Ratnam movie to wash away these sins. In fact your journey from struggling actor to star to super-hero reminds me of Mullholland Drive. (She kills the actor in her to become a narcissistic star)

Now, if Cockman is the alter-ego, who’s the Peter Parker-equivalent? You know, someone like Bruce Wayne or Clark Kent who is a cover to blend into society? Kanthaswamy’s ordinary avatar is CBI officer Kanthaswamy. In other words, one’s a superhero, the other, is well, also a super hero. Now, vigilantes or superheroes create unique identities because of their inability to do something they can’t do in their ordinary avatars.

But this CBI officer has all the power to raid the influential and a boss who is supportive. He also has people support, a support system consisting of his most loyal childhood friends, a very protected office space and he actually leads quite a cushy life –he commutes only in stylish SUVs or his superbike.

Even assuming he moonlights as God, with his elaborate stunts and special effects team, to help the public, there’s no real reason for an honest police officer, a DIG at that, to form a special team to nab him. At best, he’s just an urban legend who hasn’t hurt a fly.

Magic works best when it’s not explained. Here, Susi goes out of his way to explain how each stunt is done like a making-of-the-film built into the action sequences.

Thambi, your film is already 200 minutes long. And you have this alp-aasai of playing cool second hero and making a cameo. Control pannu pa, you are the director. You ought to be more responsible. Your role adds nothing to the film.

That whole Mexico bit was an extended holiday. One minute there are six guns put to Kanthaswamy’s head and instead of killing him there, they change location just to kill him. Both locations being middle of nowhere. And instead of shooting him, they throw away their guns to beat him with their bare hands!

Idhule Slow-motion verae! WTF!

The whole load of cock and bull cannot be least bit digested. In fact, members of the paying public, this movie is a surefire cure for constipation.

Kanthaswamy’s slow motion will guarantee loose-motion.

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