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    Reviews

    “A cerebral joyride”
    Karan Johar, filmmaker on REDIFF

    “Among the most charming and creative Indian independent films”
    J Hurtado, TWITCH

    ★★★★✩
    “You don’t really need a big star cast… you don’t even need a big budget to get the techniques of filmmaking bang on…”
    Allen O Brien, TIMES OF INDIA

    ★★★★✩
    “An outstanding experience that doesn’t come by too often out of Indian cinema!”
    Shakti Salgaokar, DNA

    ★★★
    “This film can reach out the young, urban, upwardly mobile, but lonely, disconnected souls living anywhere in the world, not just India.”
    Namrata Joshi, OUTLOOK

    “I was blown away!”
    Aseem Chhabra, MUMBAI MIRROR

    “Good Night Good Morning is brilliant!”
    Rohit Vats, IBN-LIVE

    ★★★✩✩
    “Watch it because it’s a smart film.”
    Shubha Shetty Saha, MIDDAY

    ★★★✩✩
    “A small gem of a movie.”
    Sonia Chopra, SIFY

    ★★★✩✩
    “A charming flirtation to watch.”
    Shalini Langer, INDIAN EXPRESS

    “Interesting, intelligent & innovative”
    Pragya Tiwari, TEHELKA

    “Beyond good. Original, engrossing and entertaining”
    Roshni Mulchandani, BOLLYSPICE

    * * * * *
    Synopsis

    ‘Good Night Good Morning’ is a black and white, split-screen, conversation film about two strangers sharing an all-night phone call on New Year's night.

    Writer-Director Sudhish Kamath attempts to discover good old-fashioned romance in a technology-driven mobile world as the boy Turiya, driving from New York to Philadelphia with buddies, calls the enigmatic girl staying alone in her hotel room, after a brief encounter at the bar earlier in the night.

    The boy has his baggage of an eight-year-old failed relationship and the girl has her own demons to fight. Scarred by unpleasant memories, she prefers to travel on New Year's Eve.

    Anonymity could be comforting and such a situation could lead to an almost romance as two strangers go through the eight stages of a relationship – The Icebreaker, The Honeymoon, The Reality Check, The Break-up, The Patch-up, The Confiding, The Great Friendship, The Killing Confusion - all over one phone conversation.

    As they get closer to each other over the phone, they find themselves miles apart geographically when the film ends and it is time for her to board her flight. Will they just let it be a night they would cherish for the rest of their lives or do they want more?

    Good Night | Good Morning, starring Manu Narayan (Bombay Dreams, The Love Guru, Quarter Life Crisis) and Seema Rahmani (Loins of Punjab, Sins and Missed Call) also features New York based theatre actor Vasanth Santosham (Bhopal: A Prayer for Rain), screenwriter and film critic Raja Sen and adman Abhishek D Shah.

    Shot in black and white as a tribute to the era of talkies of the fifties, the film set to a jazzy score by musicians from UK (Jazz composer Ray Guntrip and singer Tina May collaborated for the song ‘Out of the Blue), the US (Manu Narayan and his creative partner Radovan scored two songs for the film – All That’s Beautiful Must Die and Fire while Gregory Generet provided his versions of two popular jazz standards – Once You’ve Been In Love and Moon Dance) and India (Sudeep and Jerry came up with a new live version of Strangers in the Night) was met with rave reviews from leading film critics.

    The film was released under the PVR Director’s Rare banner on January 20, 2012.

    Festivals & Screenings

    Mumbai Film Festival (MAMI), Mumbai 2010 World Premiere
    South Asian Intl Film Festival, New York, 2010 Intl Premiere
    Goa Film Alliance-IFFI, Goa, 2010 Spl Screening
    Chennai Intl Film Festival, Chennai, 2010 Official Selection
    Habitat Film Festival, New Delhi, 2011 Official Selection
    Transilvania Intl Film Festival, Cluj, 2011 Official Selection, 3.97/5 Audience Barometer
    International Film Festival, Delhi, 2011 Official Selection
    Noordelijk Film Festival, Netherlands, 2011 Official Selection, 7.11/10 Audience Barometer
    Mumbai Film Mart, Mumbai 2011, Market Screening
    Film Bazaar, IFFI-Goa, 2011, Market Screening
    Saarang Film Festival, IIT-Madras, 2012, Official Selection, 7.7/10 Audience Barometer

    Theatrical Release, January 20, 2012 through PVR

    Mumbai
    Delhi
    Gurgaon
    Ahmedabad
    Bangalore
    Chennai
    Hyderabad (January 27)

    * * * * *

    More information: IMDB | Facebook | Youtube | Wikipedia | Website

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Posts By sudhishkamath

Living in: Anbe Aaruyire versus Salaam Namaste!

September 25, 2005 · by sudhishkamath

This season, two films on live-in relationships released and everyone went: Not bad, Indian cinema is getting progressive.

Is it really??

Having seen both Salaam Namaste and Anbe Aaruyire, I can’t help but be dissappointed.

As already mentioned in my review, Salaam Namaste reduces the issue of live-in relationship to complications of pre-marital sex. And Anbe Aaruyire, inspite of the ugly as hell S.J.Suryah, is surprisingly more convincing, though it does skirt the issue of sex and ironically at that, behind a dozen double entendres.

Before you think I like the movie, let me say I find the idea of S.J.Suryah as a stud protagonist disgusting. Cheran played an ordinary guy in ‘Autograph’ and he was convincing at that. But here, that comedian guy Santhanam looks much more talented and smarter than Suryah. Suryah by no standards qualifies as a stud (he wants us to believe his pretty colleague would do anything to sleep with him), he cannot act for nuts, his voice modulation totally sucks and his shameless copying of Superstar’s finger language is a big turn off.

He’s certainly a director with potential as ‘Khushi’ revealed. While ‘Khushi’ dealth with ego in relationships, ‘Ah Aah’ deals with trust. Though I do appreciate the idea and the premise of the film, it’s in the execution that I think he’s goofed up.

Firstly, no relationship makes sense with S.J.Suryah in it. ha ha!

Even if I were to put my bias against Suryah away for a moment and try to appreciate the film, all I can only credit him is for choosing to explore trust in a relationship, though it is a half-baked and lost in the director’s indulgence as an actor. After a decent set-up of the conflict in the first half of the film, you would think that the film will go deeper into the issue. Instead, he resorts to fantasy and a double role by personifying his memories of her and her memories of his and loses the plot in the interplay between these four characters.

And what’s the idea of giving these fantasy characters special powers of being able to blow curtains and photoframes? Caught between fantasy and realism, Ah Aah loses its way through the second half, especially using three songs in the space of 25 minutes after interval. Double-meaning lines alone aren’t enough to make a film entertaining. It seems to be a criminal waste of a plot when the freshness in the idea is lost in the exhibition of indulgence.

Maybe Suryah should concentrate in direction and scriptwriting and let a more capable actor do the acting. Because, there surely was more potential in ‘Ah Aah’ than what came out. Besides, there are very few filmmakers who choose to explore contemporary boy-girl relationships in Tamil films.

Where does living in fit into the whole scheme of things? No where. The lovers (eeeks, I hate the word) would have had the same problems even if they lived separately. Then why put them under the same house? To just suggest intimacy. If they were that intimate and close, would they still have a problem of trust? And how about telling us a little more on what led to the relationship and how did they adapt to living in together in the first place? Why the ambiguity in role of sex? Do they resist or give in to the temptation? If the director can show us that he dresses her up in the saree and gives her a bath in the tub, why doesn’t he just cut to the chase and tell us if they did do it or not? And the complication of sex in live-in relationships?

It is the immaturity with which Siddharth Anand and S.J.Suryah have handled live-in relationships that is disppointing. Both the films had enormous potential. A relationship itself is complex, why further complicate it by making the films about live-in relationships?

I don’t understand. Why make them live-in if you don’t have the balls to tell us the true story of live-in relationships with their glorious complications?

Review: Chocolate (Unedited!)

September 23, 2005 · by sudhishkamath

Lost in translation, this flick goes BUST!

Cast: Anil Kapoor, Irrfan, Tanushree Dutta, Suniel Shetty, Sushma Reddy, Arshad Warsi, Emraan Hashmi
Director: Vivek Agnihotri
Genre: Suspense drama
Storyline: A London-based lawyer has to save two Indians suspected in a bank robbery and a bomb blast.
Bottomline: Shoplifted chocolate damaged in transit, lost in translation.

“The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist.”
“How do you shoot the devil in the back? What if you miss? “
“He kills their kids, he kills their wives, he kills their parents and their parents’ friends. He burns down the houses they live in and the stores they work in, he kills people that owe them money. And like that he was gone. Underground. Nobody has ever seen him since. He becomes a myth, a spook story that criminals tell their kids at night… And no-one ever really believes. “
“That you did not know you stole from him is the only reason you are still alive, but he feels you owe him. You will repay your debt.”

Christopher McQuarrie, winner of the Academy Awards for Best Original Screenplay (1995) will not be pleased to find out that a Hindi film has more than half a dozen of his lines translated, almost verbatim.

Keyser Soze becomes Murtaza Arzai in Inspired Films’ ‘Chocolate,’ a film so dishonest that it makes you cringe.

There is a huge difference between what is inspired and what is plagiarised. And that difference comes out when you replicate exactly the same opening scene, the same lines and dumb down the smart idea to an extent that destroys the entire brilliance of it.

Vivek Agnihotri’s film is not even as much a deviation as Sanjay Gupta’s ‘Kaante’ was from ‘Reservoir Dogs’ though even the ‘Kaante’ pinched a line or two from the original (” Are you gonna bark all day, little doggy, or are you gonna bite?”). Interestingly, ‘Reservoir Dogs’ itself was Tarantino’s tribute to Kubrick’s ‘The Killing.’ Or what ‘Sarkar’ was to ‘The Godfather.’ That’s the kind of difference there is, between a glorious tribute and a shameless rip-off.

‘Chocolate’ is not a frame-to-frame copy and many times during the film, you wish it was. The visual brilliance (cinematography: Attar Singh Saini) and the slick editing (Satyajeet Gazmer) do not compensate the poorly written lines that make a caricature out of the leading man Krishna Pandit (Anil Kapoor), a leading lawyer who hogs the cover of GQ magazine for his flair for winning the most difficult of cases.

As his journalist friend Monsoon (Sushma Reddy) gets him to help two Indians suspected in the involvement of a blast in a boat and a bank robbery, Pandit wants to know the truth and not versions from the suspects Pipi (Irrfan) and Sim (Tanushree Dutta). How did their fellow band members and associates Rocker (Suniel Shetty), Tubby (Arshad Warsi) and Devaa (Emraan Hashmi) die? What exactly is their involvement with the mysterious Murtaza Arzai?

And, what on the planet is ‘Chocolate’ and why is the film called that, are some of the questions the film answers in its semi-absorbing narrative, with plenty of help from the original. It is the original scenes where the film falters. The overtly overdone sexual references turn out to be pretentious and very wannabe Hollywoodish.

Anil Kapoor does an earnest job, puts in a decent effort but is let down by the lines, Irrfan does a pretty neat underplayed version of what Pankaj Kapoor did with greater charisma in ‘Dus’ reprising the same role of what Kevin Spacey did in the original. Arshad Warsi sparkles with his comic timing and gives the film a few genuine laughs while Sushma Reddy has very little to do but act goofy and insecure about her crush Krish. You can actually keep a count on the number of ploys the director uses to ensure you don’t miss her bra… er… bratty obsessive compulsive behaviour of her trying to attract your attention to her er… stuff you know.

Poor Suniel Shetty gets into another one of those ensemble insignificant roles he’s so used to and lets his long hair do all the acting.

There’s plenty of oomph in the form of Tanushree Dutta who carries off the shortest shorts and the tiniest tops with great atTITude, only negated by the director’s basic instinct to make her look like Sharon Stone through the cross-legged poses and pouts. Oh yes, as much as you try, you won’t be able to take your eyes of her cleve… er… clever disposition to sport titsy-bitsy tops enough to cause a bust-up of sorts and make you want her bosom… b-oops… I mean make you want TO BE her bosom friend…. phooof!

While the song and dance sequences will ensure that the front-benchers are kept happy, the verbose interrogation sequences are likely to turn them off. And, the subsequent dumbing-down of the revelation sequence in the climax is guaranteed to strongly disappoint the classy audience, especially those who have seen the original.

Bryan Singer’s ‘The Usual Suspects’ is immensely watchable for it makes you admire the story-telling, no matter how many times you’ve seen it before. Here, the fact that you know the story only makes the story-telling look that much more miserable.

Hence, this dose of shoplifted ‘Chocolate’ is prescribed only for those who haven’t seen the role that fetched Kevin Spacey his Oscar.

Review: The Island (Unedited!)

September 23, 2005 · by sudhishkamath

Not a bad trip at all!

Cast: Ewan McGregor, Scarlett Johansson, Djimon Hounsou, Steve Buscemi, Sean Bean
Director: Michael Bay
Genre: Sci-fi action-adventure
Storyline: A couple of ‘harvested’ clones escape their simulated environment and set out to the real world to fight for their freedom.
Bottomline: Fast food for thought.

You just cannot leave your brains behind when you watch Michael Bay’s ‘The Island.’

It has to be among the most thought-provoking flicks that he’s ever made. Yes, there are chases choc-a-bloc, endless explosions, guns going off like there’s no tomorrow but between all that, the screenplay gives you a fascinating premise of clones questioning their existence as ‘products’ bred in a special facility cut off from the world, only to cater to their sponsors should they need an organ or two.

But to put it in context, ‘The Island’ may not be entirely original (screenplay: Caspian Tredwell-Owen). The film was recently sued for copyright violation by the producers of the 1979 film Parts: The Clonus Horror. The BBC observed that “t he 1979 film tells the story of a secret colony of clones raised in case humans need spare organs. One escapes and is chased as he tries to expose the facility.”

The premise apart, every other scene in the film is distinctly Michael Bay stamped with his signature pace that ensures that you get what you stepped into the theatre for: entertainment.

The special effects are among the best we’ve seen recently and it is rather difficult to spot them even in RDX projection systems that expose even the minutest of lighting/detailing errors.

Ewan McGregor in a dual role, lends the film some of his character and charm, as Lincoln Echo Six, the first clone in the facility to suspect there’s something wrong with his environment and the promise of deliverance to the ‘The Island,’ a non-existent place engrained in the minds of the clones, just to give them some hope to live for.

The chemistry between him and Scarlett Johansson makes it that much more interesting, especially when you know that their minds are only as developed as that of 15-year-olds. Scarlett has to Generation Next’s Angelina Jolie with her pout, attitude and the way she kicks rear admirably.

That said, ‘The Island’ had the potential to be as philosophical and profound as ‘The Matrix,’ but it simply chooses not to. Hence, it does not tax your brain too much, just teases it a little and goes down fighting, all guns blazing.

Review: Salaam Namaste

September 22, 2005 · by sudhishkamath

Since this is pretty late for a review and you would’ve read many by now, I’m gonna keep this brief.

This is one movie that had awesome potential with an exciting premise of live-in relationships. But it really doesn’t exploit it much.

Don’t get me wrong though. Salaam Namaste is entertaining, has pretty decent performances by Saif, a slimmer Preity, a loud cameo by Javed Jaffery and a very underplayed Arshad Warsi and rocking end-credits.

The pace is tight and the tone pretty light till the Nine Months-inspired climax. It just does not work! I just don’t understand how can you just take the supposedly mature tone of a movie and infuse it with loud slapstick humour for an end. It seemed so forced.

And oh yes! The second half does make for some excruciatingly painful viewing if you have bullshit-allergy. Preity’s pregnant pot-belly is the work of a highly untalented blind potter. And the way she dances to a song makes you wish someone got the director young Siddharth Anand pregnant just so that he would know what it really feels like.

There is a touch of smartness here and there: the breaking of stereotypes with role reversals for example. Saif cries at the movies, cooks, wears pink and all sort of effeminate clothes, likes to keep his place clean while Preity hates to clean up or cook. The ‘Mouna Raagam’ sort of setting where a couple has to share the roof for a year even after the break-up is again a very nice ploy in the script.

But here’s why I was let down:

The movie makes live-in relationships look like a stupid idea.

It makes it look like sex is the first thing they explore.

And worse, it makes it look like protection is of no use really cuz the girl ultimately gets pregnant.

So basically, the film tells you: Guy and a girl move in, they f*** like bunnies apparently … cuz the girl gets pregnant within two months in spite of them using protection. And then they have no choice but to get married. Whoa!

Salaam Namaste is likely to find appreciation in the 18-22 age group. The older adults would find it ridiculously simplistic and dumbed down for a country at the crossroads of social change. Hum Tum was a much better film in the same genre.

Apart from that, it is a good tour of Melbourne and the Great Ocean Road. So now I don’t have to show you guys pics from my video grabs.

😀

Biloxi Blues!

September 22, 2005 · by sudhishkamath

This has to be among the city’s most loved plays.

It’s probably the only play LTS did back-to-back, due to public demand. And Mike, the veteran of the Chennai stage came back with what I suspect is his favourite play, this time for Evam.

Biloxi Blues was certainly the highlight of The Hindu Metro Plus Theatre festival. People had to be sent back because the hall was full.

I managed to catch the play on Sunday evening when Evam had its last show for the season.

Though I had seen some of the actors read at a casting session for the play and hence had a rough idea of how funny it would turn out to be, I really hadn’t bargained for the amount of laughing I ultimately ended up doing.

I really think Mike has done a brilliant job putting some amazing talent together, polished their timing with military precision and made you forget the nitty-gritties of the sub-American accent demanded by the content.

He probably went unsung at the festival but its not too late to say: Mike is THE best stage all-rounder we have. Probably in the whole country. And probably the only technician-director-writer-and-actor rolled into one. I didn’t personally like the rhymes in his original musical ‘Fallen’ but I totally admire the guy for his passion and vision. I wish I had half of it. Here’s a man who acted in one, directed two plays apart from chipping in with sets and sound for other plays during the festival.

So here he was in Biloxi bringing alive the role of a seemingly sadistic eccentric sergeant who gives his cadets an education of a lifetime. Mike was spitting fire with his delivery, not floundering even once as he charged through the lines like a man possessed. Here was a man truly in command.

Sunil, who plays Epstein (and Zebra in That Four Letter Word) was clearly the best of the cadets, as he underplayed the role of the philosophical, mentally strong and physically weak cadet who refuses to comply with the idiosyncracies of the military. He strikes a chord and leaves you with a lump in your throat in the scene where he narrates how he was humiliated.

The lead guy and narrator Jimmy who plays Eugene seemed to have overdone the cuteness that made his dialogue delivery a tad effeminate. However, he is effective in the challenging role of a simple neutral cadet who comes of age.

The support cast was even better. I don’t remember the names of the guys but the way they got under the skin of the characters was exemplary. Comedy thrives on timing. These guys were near flawless and the ensemble pulls off an incredibly funny yet thought-provoking bitter-sweet play quite convincingly.

It’s expected to come back in January for at least a coupla shows. So in case you haven’t seen it yet, mark it in your calendar.

And if you do want to help backstage or get onstage and be a part of Evam’s future plays, email evam@evam.in. Heard they can do with some help.

Episode 5: Is shopping rocket science?

September 21, 2005 · by sudhishkamath

(For a change, we let the lady fire the first salvo, instead of just responding every time, we decided we would take turns every week in going first because the person answering always seems to have an unfair advantage of just replying.
Also, people may be reminded that this is just a humour column. Not to be taken seriously or emotionally. But then, many women do not have a sense of humour… ha ha! And the intention has never been to be politically correct, it is purely to be irreverent and get a good fight out of manipulating existing stereotypes! So it basically means, I do (sometimes) pay for my food, and even open doors and so does Shonali!)

She says:

I suppose they think it’s macho. As they stand around, idly tossing back beers and burping, somebody or the other will bring up the topic of ‘women and shopping.’ And then, it’s like the floodgates have opened. One guy will make smart cracks about his wife’s shoe collection, the other will discuss a girlfriend who stocks up on soaps. Someone knows a girl who has… gasp… six pairs of jeans. And someone else has it on good authority that no woman is satisfied unless she owns at least 12 different types of daily wear hair products – each of which need about an hour of intensive pre-purchase research.

What the guys don’t reveal, or perhaps even realise, is the fact that men shop too. And, in many ways, are far more obsessive, extravagant and indecisive shoppers than their female counterparts.

For every woman with a shoe addiction, there’s a guy with a, well, shoe addiction. (At least women need to match their shoes with outfits, colours and occasions: sneakers for a barbecue, low heels for the day, stilettos for dining out. But why in the world do men need twelve pairs? Brown from breakfast, black for lunch, brown for dinner, black for brunch?) For every woman with a soap, or scarf, or ear ring collection, there’s a man, who collects CDs, or belts, or, um, ear rings. Or maybe, if he’s really ‘macho’, whiskeys, cigars or electronic non-essentials. For every woman who buys 12 hair products there’s a guy who buys an equal number of aftershaves. And trendy ‘metrosexual’ hair gels.

And if you think women take a long time to decide on which outfit to buy, ask a male friend to take you shopping for a cell phone, or laptop. Besides the fact that you’ll have to listen to lengthy lectures on tough concepts like ‘battery life’ and ‘blue tooth technology’ (because, of course, we women operate computers with will power and lipstick alone), you’ll be lucky if you get home before your hair turns grey and you’re forced to borrow some of his spiffy new hair colour.

He says:

A man with 12 pairs of shoes must be gay. Or an actor/VJ/model/someone in showbiz/someone who wants to get there.

Well, most women have a wrong notion of men probably because they hang out with only those kind of men who remind them of themselves. Most men I know just have formal shoes and/or casual shoes and then, they have chappals – one for the bathroom and one for the road. Because, they do not feel the need to colour co-ordinate shoes with their clothes like women do.

As women often allege, men are colour blind indeed. Because, men believe it is adequate to know that coffee, cocoa, chocolate, beige, khakhi, auburn, hazelnut are all just brown. It helps decision-making easy. You walk to the rack and it doesn’t take rocket science or research to figure out what’s best. You don’t need to know what colour it is when you can simply point it to the salesman and say: “I want that one.”

Men have very basic needs. We are simple people. And if they read up on gizmos, it’s because these are expensive investments. Research not only makes for a wise investment, it also helps you make a wise choice much ahead of your actual purchase and thus, helps you save valuable shopping time that can be used for wiser purposes.

Like, checking out an interesting, definitive book or magazine or movie on women, or just the real thing: people-watching in a mall. Who says men don’t like women for the time they take at the store? Men do like checking out anything remotely interesting at the malls. Let them make their choice while you make yours.

(Men could do with a mental note: There’s a price to pay for anything you pick up at the mall and it’s directly proportional to her purchase.)

Episode 4: The first move!

September 21, 2005 · by sudhishkamath

He says:
It starts from the very beginning. From the day she says: “Yeah, he’s cute. But let him make the effort.”
Ever heard of a girl using a pick-up line on a guy? No, because she’s the quintessential “good girl.”
Finally, when the guy makes the effort, whether she likes him or not, she squeals: “Look, look, he’s hitting on me.”
If she likes him, even the corniest of lines seem mushy to her. If not, God help the guy, she finds even the best lines corny. Sidey, even.
Next thing you know, she expects you to be romantic. And she wants originality at that — THE prime reason why most guys end up writing yucky, sucky poems. They try to rhyme, all the time, that it’s a crime, and far from sublime. Well, you get the picture.
I fail to understand: Why should a girl be, or expect to be, wooed?
Can’t she just walk up and kiss the guy she likes? She wouldn’t even have to apologise if he’s taken. No guy is ever going to complain. He would probably reward the investment with double the effort.
Look at this objectively. No guy expects a pick-up line. He will happily buy the kiss-at-first-sight proposal. If he doesn’t like you, he’ll still kiss you goodbye. It’s that cordial. Now can you expect a girl to do the same?
No. Because, they are brats. Women have been spoilt with attention. So, they expect men to take the effort all the time. They are lazy. They are creatively challenged, for, they cannot come up with pick-up lines themselves. And, they definitely do not have the guts to use them.
That’s why men are so cool. They put in the effort, what it takes to make it work. Right from the start.

She says:
There was a young man called Cupid,
Who constantly felt rather stupid,
His job was to lob,
Arrows into a slob,
And try make his reasoning lucid.
Because that’s what happens to a man in love. He not only starts indulging in uncontrollable bursts of verse that reads along the lines of `the grass is green and you are my queen,’ but also begins to swagger about with an `I’m the man in charge’ attitude.
What men don’t realise is that women don’t fall for them because of the `effort’ they take to `make it work’. Women fall for them in spite of it.
Because here’s the big secret, guys. You aren’t in control. Not ever.
Remember the first time you saw her across that crowded room, and cunningly positioned yourself so you could make eye contact? Well, she saw you first. And she probably positioned her face in such a way that she could lock gazes with you — without it looking like she was actually making an effort. Which also explains why you can’t ever catch the eye of a woman who’s not interested in you.
When you went to chat her up, she kept the conversation going… till it reached a `let’s meet for dinner’ stage.
She probably chose the restaurant. She wore that irresistible perfume. She smiled mysteriously, forcing you to ask her out again.
You’re just the big fish she was out to hook. Your only job was to prove you’re entertaining enough to keep working on.
And you’re complaining about having to think up a lousy line like “your eyes are blue, true and make me stew”! Get with the programme. As any intelligent woman will tell you, the chase is far more fun than the kill.
And you’re just walking prey.

Episode 3: Who should pay?

September 21, 2005 · by sudhishkamath

He says:
No doubt about it at all. Women must pay.
Men have been paying for years now. Time for payback.
Yes, man was an ape once upon a time. Just like how he used to pay once upon a time. But here’s a word, ladies: It’s called evolution.
The modern man no longer wants to pay.
He might buy you a drink when he’s high or buy you coffee to make you feel special — once in a while. Which is why and how it becomes `special’. If he did it everyday, he would be such a bore and of course, broke, unless he’s got a sugar daddy.
Also, it has something to do with empowerment.
Come on, shell out the money. Show us who’s the boss. As Rod Tidwell says in “Jerry Maguire”: “Show me the money!”
Bad enough you make the guy drive you around most of the time. And, the number of times we drop you home. Do you, like, even know about the escalating cost of fuel and maintenance?
You give the guy a heartache every other week, are you aware how much a night out with the boys costs?
And, those endless mushy phone calls in the middle of the night. Who do you think pays? It’s a man or his father. Or the girl or her father (if she calls). Which means that the probability of a man paying the phone bill is three out of four.
So the next time you go out, be a lady. Pay for the guy. He always entertains you with his romantic services.
Also, he’s probably broke and borrowing money just to make you feel good.
Coffee: 50 bucks.
A full-course meal: 150 bucks.
The pleasure and satisfaction of taking a man out: Priceless.

She says:
And I always thought they enjoyed paying. Honestly. I’ve gone out with guys who are completely rabid about picking up the cheque.
Through dessert, they make eyes at the waiter. Drum their fingers on the table. Flex their credit card holding fingers. And when the bill arrives, they jump up in one beautiful swoop and grab it.
So, what’s a girl to do? I’d pay, but I really don’t want to break a nail. After all, a man’s got to do what a man’s got to do. And maybe, someday, I’ll pay him back by baking him a basket of cookies. (Snort. Yeah right! Only if I can hire someone to make them for me.)
Besides, when a guy asks you out for dinner, he has to pay for the pleasure of your company in some manner. You’re doing your job by looking nice, and listening to his boring office-and-sports stories with an appropriately wide-mascara-eyed admiring expression.
Oh, all right. I admit it. Gender roles have changed. And men don’t have to pay anymore, just like I don’t have to bake cookies anymore. (Give me a moment to recover from a bout of hearty laughter caused by the image of myself in a kitchen.)
But it’s still a charming gesture. It’s not about the money. Two cappuccinos cost less than a pedicure. Paying for them is no big deal.
However, when a man pulls out his wallet to pay at a restaurant, it tells you, he’s generous. When he fights through a crowded bar to get you a fruit juice at the disco, it means he’s thoughtful. When he picks up movie tickets, it means he’s considerate.
And that’s why you date the guy who takes you out for dinner, and just become backslapping buddies with the chap that makes you pay for his pizza.

Episode 2: What’s hawt?

September 21, 2005 · by sudhishkamath

He says:
A question to all women out there.
Would you like to be seen kissing someone toad ugly?
Yes? My number is… .
Kidding!
But the point is that just like men are hesitant to date… well… aesthetically challenged women, women too stay away from the uglies.
So why just blame the men for being Shallow Hals?
Who would you date if you had to choose between Abhishek Bachchan and Yoda?
Abhishek Bachchan obviously, because he’s a great guy irrespective of how good he looks.
So if you can find men who are good-looking, smart and nice at heart, isn’t it inaccurate to assume that all good-looking women are dumb?
Most good-looking women are smart because they know how to get their men.
But first, what kind of women do men find “hawt”? What do men consider “hawt”?
The fair? They like Naomi Campbell, Jada Pinkett Smith, Halle Berry.
The well toned? They love Shakeela and Tamil heroines of the 1990s.
The beautiful? Why do they like Mallika Sherawat then? (wink wink)
The tall? Rani Mukherjee is a five-footer.
The skimpily clad? Then, why do they love Nandita Das?
The point is: to be “hawt,” a woman need not necessarily have any of the qualities listed above.
Any intelligent woman today knows that being smart or well dressed is paramount simply because she applies the same rules to a guy.
Smartness is defined by the way a person carries himself.
If it means men need to shave, it means women also need to er… file their nails.
If it means men need to smell good, it means women need to smell better.
If it means men need to look “hawt,” it means women too must.
If it means men date smart women, it just means smart women are dating smart men.

She says:
And, in their spare time, men like reading books on intelligent female space scientists. Oh, and watching action movies that comprise women mathematicians breaking impossible codes.
Give us a break.
Everyone knows that men, (ok, most men) have a weakness for beautiful women. And, given half a chance, would date only stunners. Even they admit that. “Um. Yeah. Of course. Anyone who says they’re more interested in what and how a woman thinks is probably just trying that line out for a date. And he’s probably angling for a pretty woman, anyway,” says one of the many men I poll for this column. (Sorry. Betrayed by your own gender.) (Evil laugh)
Because, while women go for men with brains, and a sense of humour, men go for women who are… um… hawt.
And what is hawt? Usually, a lot of lipstick, a gym-toned body (and please, let’s leave Shakeela out of this!) and a tendency to lisp. Especially during, I-love-you-cho-muchee conversations in the middle of the night. (Shudder.)
I’m not saying all beautiful women are dumb. But, a woman who thinks a new shade of hair colour can bring world peace is far more likely to find a date than a man who has more hair gel than grey matter between his ears.
Because, if you’re a man, you don’t have to spend hours at the gym working on those pecs in the hope of impressing the `gals.’ You far more likely to have hoards of them putting your number on speed dial if you can make them laugh, and treat them with respect.
What else explains the beautiful-woman-dating-very-ordinary-looking-guy syndrome that you see at every shopping mall, and every party?
And would we kiss a toad? Of course. Ever wondered what the significance of the story of the Frog Prince is? Well, when the princess kissed the frog, it turned into a prince in her eyes. And that’s because he was a prince deep inside, and how he looked just didn’t matter.
(This is a fortnightly column on the battle of the sexes.)

Episode 1: Who should open the door?

September 21, 2005 · by sudhishkamath

(This is the beginning of a new column on the battle of the sexes. You can read it every alternate Thursday in the Chennai Edition of Metro Plus in the Gender page. I write He Says and my collegauge Shonali Muthalaly writes She Says)

He says:
Why would I open the door for a girl?
Maybe I would if one of the following were true:
a. Women genetically lack specialised skills for accomplishing complex tasks like opening the door.
b. She is further to the door than I am, you know, walking behind me like Mary’s little lamb.
c. She thinks that the world is a Matrix and that “There is no door.”
d. If I have the keys (and we are going to my place for some activity I’m really looking forward to, like playing chess).
e. If she’s knocking (and she’s come home for some activity I’m really looking forward to, like yes: Chess!).
f. She’s locked out of her home and needs my help (before we can go in and do some activity I’m really looking forward to… what else, seriously, chess!).
What is the big idea behind chivalry or expecting a man to do things that might seem unnatural to him?
Yes, women probably find it charming because a few good men in their enthusiasm to please their bratty spoilt date do it. Little do these ladies realise that these acts are just that. Acts, that work smooth, when he has moves in his mind.
Besides, face it, Ladies. It’s charming because it’s rare and special.
And gentlemen, beware of opening the door for her all the time. You make it a habit and before you know it, you are just as good as that thing at the door that lets the woman walk over. Yes, the doormat. Soon, you’ll be paying each time. Literally.
Open the door, only when there’s a chance for the dance! If it doesn’t seem like it, you will surely be happier off watching that channel on TV she does not approve of.

She says:
Yeah. Chess. (Excuse me while I gag.)
Now there’s a complex task. The point is, if it doesn’t come naturally, don’t force it. No woman is going to fall into a dead faint if you don’t open a door for her. (In fact, in these trying times, we’ll probably faint with surprise if you do.)
Because, believe it or not, we can open our own doors. And carry our own luggage. And pulling out a chair at a restaurant doesn’t need the brains of a space scientist, or the brawn of Arnold Schwarzenegger. (Honestly, if it did, would you be able to do it?)
But the fact is, good old-fashioned chivalry is still charming. Though of course, there are many points of view on that too. I, for instance, took a quick poll and found that one friend who sniggered evilly and called chivalry “a stupid, insulting” idea, while another one got mooney eyed and gasped, ” but, it’s so sweet.” But perhaps the most honest reply came from a girl who reportedly makes her male friends jump through hoops. “Well, the man’s there, isn’t he? So, just put him to use!”
Pssst: Looking coy and helpless does accomplish wonders. Because the bottom line is: Yeah, sure… There’s nothing we can’t do. But if somebody wants to do all the grunt work, who are we to stop him? Besides, it’s nice getting a chair every time you walk into a crowded room. And it’s nice to not have to carry your own luggage. And yes, it’s nice being treated like royalty.
And if it seems unnatural to ‘him,’ he just doesn’t have to do it. But maybe he should get used to watching a lot of TV in the evenings.

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